Sunday, June 01, 2008
What would it be like?
If we existed as bits and bytes.
Trapped in the matrix,
Programmed onto microchips,
A product of strong AI.
With existential doubts packaged as a part of life,
Is this what it feels like to be alive?
Is the questioning mind a mere proof of life?
What if the questions are being inputted by some sadistic AI Encoder in Vanilla Sky?
We won’t be able to break into the real dimension,
but have the perpetual urge to subside,
Will without capacity?
This seems to be a perpetual torture,
A puzzle to which I subscribed when I got inebriated by Maya’s eyes.
We’re mere puppets, mere pawns in the hands of the fate,
The design they developed sitting in the proverbial skies.
We’re helpless! Free will’s a lie,
Are we machines, or were we taken over by them and reduced to mere raw material to sustain their “lives”,
would we survive the destruction of the object whose scope has expired?
Why would I want to live that life?
I question myself as I wonder if I was ever alive,
Does the world really exists the way it unfolds in front of my eyes,
Why was I subjected to this strife?
This existence if not altogether pointless, is incomprehendible,
Seems hopeless, if not cruel and unkind,
If this is life, what would hell be like?
It’s all so meaningless,
You lead a purposeless death and then you die,
What about artists?
Is the shit they come up with also pre transpired?
Maybe it’s all scripted.
Or maybe I should shut up coz my brain cells seem to have expired.
Do I have to make peace with the fact that I might never get the answers and still make it the purpose of my life?
Run behind in pursuit of an utopian dream that was written for me,
I think I should just shut up and get on with my *huh* “life”.
Life! The perpetual irony; the unrelenting mystery; the gift and the eternal strife.
I wonder if we can uncover all the substrates of existence and design life,
But then again, would that be life?
Every time there's a different reason,
every night is a different hue of blue,
Don’t matter how we blew it,
what matters is it’s gonna take a while to get used to,
Vacant horizons stare me in my face,
Aint it a disgrace we had to go our ways after going strong for so long,
It all feels so wrong,
wished we could've been more wise,
made less alibis,
checked our tempers when they were on rise,
I wished we had shown a little more allegiance,
a little more willingness to try,
and tried to solve the differences as they came by,
But the differences went unchecked,
And between the mounds of egotism,
The valley of revulsion has crept,
We try to hide it under the rug,
But as the stench got unbearable,
The nurturers had to pull the plug,
You end up killing the things you love,
Its gonna feel a bit lonesome,
We're not too keen to undo the wrongs,
We've accepted defeat at the hands of fate,
And we lack the will to challenge,
the verdict we're shown,
you didn't had to go the way you did,
it didn’t had to end the way it did,
but what’s the point in ruminating,
the damage has already been did.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
I need to let her fly,
Even if it hurts like hell,
I think its time to say goodbye.
‘Cause she don't love me anymore,
We don't share no meaning no more,
No flowers, no letters, no songs.
Letting go is hard to do,
How I wish that we could start anew,
How I want us to make amends,
Turn the clock back and start again.
I hate the way its gonna end,
I'm so sorry we just can't be friends,
Oh it hurts to know we can't be friends.
There is no point to keep her chained,
For all this mess, I take the blame.
It would hurt me to see her pass by,
But she's a free bird to soar in the sky,
See the new lands as days go by,
Ride the winds and touch new highs,
How I regret those stupid things,
I feel the pain that distance brings,
How I wish that I could breathe again,
How I wish that we could live again,
Now I know that she's always been right,
But I wish I were just a little more wise.
Maybe I should just apologize,
Bend down on my knees and pray like a child,
Go to a preacher and confess my crimes,
Hide in her lap and cry for a while,
For all my wrongs and all her rights,
My heart still burns for her,
The torture of the highest degree,
It seems like I'm on a bed of thorns,
The torment only I can feel,
I have been stuck in this space,
While she's far cruising away,
The cool air is filling her sails,
Taking her across the oceans,
Far away from me forever,
Relegating me to the bottom,
Abandoned to rot in the open.
I wish you'd came back someday.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
But she says we are through,
I say how it could be babe,
We were just gonna get to part two,
Girl you’ve been stuck in my head,
And I can’t find no way out,
That could get me outta this web,
I can’t seem to move on,
It’s just that everywhere I go,
Your face’s always before,
Look right or look left,
The mirage’s as strong as it gets,
Coz you’ve been stuck in my head,
I just roam around the around the roads,
From dusk till dawn,
Our place strangles me to death,
I feel like an uninvited guest,
In spite of times that we’ve spent,
It’s not the same as it felt,
I’ve been stranded in the mesh,
Your kiss felt like something else,
Something out of this world,
There’s nothing better that I’ve felt,
And it’s been stuck in my head,
Girl we gotta hold on,
We just have to have some faith,
We just need to be strong,
We need to talk these things out,
Don’t go for easy way out,
At least hear me out love,
I can’t move on with these doubts,
We need to work on the cracks that have crept.
Coz you’ve been stuck in my head.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Too good to be true but still truthfully I am,
I know you're one of my many fans,
I think we beat your clan YESTERDAY in wow we played on net,
Do you wanna bet that we'll own you every time we face off against your clan. you midget! :)
I do exist, I'm not just a myth,
I'm here to save the world. damn! I'm so hip,
Trust me when I say, I do have a plan, to save this world,
And I will work on it after I win the coming up clash to own Borderlands,
I'm a nerd but I'm also a ladies man,
I also fight on streets and Rings and in other martial arts games on LAN,
Not that I'm scared of real world or anything,
I just love to create my world and setting it aflame,
The virtual world pwns! Reality's so lame.
Its tougher to strategize in wow games than to learn to fly an airplane,
Love me or hate me, I'm the way I am,
The coolest nerd ever, I'm the complete man,
Playing Basketball and Rugby with WoW and SinCity,
Living both in reality and virtuality,
Doing everything I do with full intensity.
Friday, January 18, 2008
You're face to face with fear itself,
You conquer your demons, you conquer it all,
But the mind plays games with your fickle weak soul,
You doubt your capacities; you question your want,
You feel powerless, fall into this abyss of blues, get distressed,
When challenged, you step back and digress
From furthering on the road ahead,
The opportunity you blew away turns into a curse,
You feel uneasy; everything seems to be going irreversibly wrong,
And situation goes from bad to worse,
You can’t seem to garner strength,
There seems to be no source of hope,
Death stares straight into your face,
It is worse than the death of the body,
It's a curse, the death of spirit,
You turn into a zombie, a living corpse,
Unable to conquer your mind,
Your impotence is laid bare to the world,
You drown in the stares of all.
The last adversary succeeds, remains unconquered,
The devil dictates terms,
Takes control of your life, smothers your soul,
You were unable to find strength;
You fell into a trap,
Stepped right into the black hole,
Get caught in a time warp,
Where every torturous moment takes a million years to pass,
You gave up the fight before it even began, you were cursed to lose, and with every passing moment, it takes a stronger grip on you,
You'll have to dig deep into your spirit,
To rise from the bottom of the ocean of hopelessness,
You'll have to work harder to muster strength,
And you have no other choice.
Keep on living this death,
Or scream and reclaim your voice,
The breakdown might've become your biggest strength;
It might've lead you towards discovering powers
That would've otherwise forever remained latent,
Your soul can once again become unpossessed,
You still can live your life yourself,
Use the defeat of the battle as a springboard
To reach the higher rungs of ladder,
Contribute your truth and share your shoulder,
To inspire others in their pilgrimage,
Try to fight back, give it a shot,
Rise back from ropes,
Stage a comeback; shock yourself,
Amaze the world,
Give back with gratitude
Repay the debt you owe to the world,
Awake from the sleep, get down to work,
If nothing feels right,
Change it so it works the way it should work.
You can find hope in the darkest corners of your mind,
Salvage the hope and fight the good fight,
Without any expectations of the conquest,
But remain determined to progress,
And break free from the confines of apprehension,
Gain control of the mind's fortress,
Try to reclaim your soul from the devil, give it your best shot.
May you find peace and hope,
May you reclaim the contact with the fountainhead.
That's all right, my good people,
Indeed that's perfectly fine.
I a'int committed no robbery,
I a'int guilty of no crime.
Don't blame me for your sorrows,
Don't you blame me for your crimes,
I worked while you laughed
I kept slogging when you slept away.
I kept the hope when you were swept away,
So don't blame me for your sorrows,
You kept gibing while I walked the line,
I was sick of all your teasing,
Now I mock you all the time,
I don't do it coz I hate you,
I don't do it to make you feel asinine,
I mean your good and I'm just pushing you to walk the line.
Play along, O my brothers,
Laugh along as you pass through the aisle,
You don't need my blessings,
You're better than what you're guessing,
I never sought no one to be benign,
Just be steady while you're walking,
Just be solid as you go through life,
Be subtle and good to people,
May god bless you with good people
And may you have a merry good time.
Discovery of the self. Realizing your reality and the march back to from where you atarted. It might seem without a purpose now but maybe it'll make us appreciate the oneness with the source better.
I am not an island; I was never detached in my independence,
Never meant to be aloof in spite of my isolation,
Even though we're all joined by same umbilical cord, we are unique yet similar,
I don't realize the extent of binding and freedom we all share,
I am a river nourished and poisoned by countless tributaries.
A mountain unshakeable as it ever could be,
Also an insect living there adapting to survive, So he could live,
A spring bringing forth the treasures that are buried deep within this oceanic spirit,
Neither an improvement nor deterioration of my species,
Just an inconsequential but unalienable part of sport, whose reason is destined to remain unfigurable,
I am a result of evolution and regression of my forefathers,
I am everything they were, everything they lost and a little bit more,
I am the rebel striving for change while trying to hold pieces in their place,
Questioning the rituals of the rebellion,
Also a conformist in my own special way without me realizing it,
Balancing tradition and institution with everything they call new and modern,
But struggling to find wisdom, moving on while I dread misdirection,
Coz even if our paths may cross at many places but we need to find our own
Stopping long enough to introspect but moving on to prevent stagnation,
Getting into a routine, but not settling down in it,
I am a circle, never ending and never beginning, Existing without identifying its larger purpose,
But still moving on, since you do not need to understand your reason to fulfil it,
Its something that is ingrained into you, you have to search it within you,
Your destiny is not your own, it creates ripples into the whole providence,
Insignificant it might be, but it's indispensable.
Widening my scope every time I try to see the worlds lying beyond my horizons,
I am the artist, the instrument and the work of art,
all encompassing, I am the art,
The reflection of the world in a mere speck of the dust.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
On nurturing and preserving innocent love and its power in reforming an Individual. On the strength that is needed to get through the crisis and pitfalls that come in the way.
Its been such a little while since I met you. I still feel like I’ve known you for the longest time. The metamorphosis from being acquaintances to being friends has taken little time. Since then I’ve been able to share everything and anything with you. Whatever I wanted to. Whatever I should have. Well, maybe not really everything. Not yet….. But still I feel we have a lot to talk about. I want to tell you a lot of things. I want to listen a lot. I don’t know why I chose you.
But sometimes I feel I don’t know you at all. I don’t know about your family. Where you studied? Who was your first crush? Who was your best friend in Kindergarten?
But I know your thoughts and I absolutely love them. They are as pure and cute as you. Innocence which when handled to a person scares him out of his wits. That which is a greatest responsibility and you have to safeguard it with life. But you also nurture it with love and affection.
I know you like to rise early in the morning to witness the spectacle that sunrise is. I know you do your yoga alone on your terrace at home everyday. I know you like to walk barefoot on the grass. You just love nature. Don’t you? I know you love dancing in the rain and your mommy stops you since she thinks it’s childish and you need to grow up but you don’t listen to any one. I know you never feel lonely even when you’re alone. I know….. But it doesn’t stop me from craving to know more. I don’t know what I want to know and you don’t need to ask me what I need to know. I can listen to you for hours on end. I know you cry when you see that poor kid serving dishes at that dhaba.
Talking to you was like talking to me. My world was turned around when I met you. I was a person having thoughts which I was bewildered to think that I could think of them. Your presence seemed to give me courage and assurance that I could/should speak without any inhibitions. You assured me that I was perfectly normal. Uncommon maybe but normal (An Oxymoron?).
But nevertheless I can safely say that you have a special place in my heart. A place I never knew existed. Place undiscovered before I met you. I mean I had long before given up the hope that I could change. I had let myself be swayed by the wave of time and circumstances. I never bothered to test myself and swim against the tide. Deep down I always felt that I was capable of doing it but you assured me that I REALLY could. I never thought I’d meet somebody like you. I never had a clue that people like you ever walked on this earth. Your kind of people was supposed to be an extinct species. You were supposed to exist only in fairy tales to be told to little kids about what could happen only in the realm of mind. You’re the painting as clear as the heart of Virgin Mary, a sculpture which would breathe to life any moment, a poem nurtured with love and caring. You are beyond my comprehension. Unrealistic. Wishful thinking. Mirage. Hope in the heart of a hopeless person.
I never thought there could ever be a person who’s as innocent as you are. Somebody’s who’s as understanding as you are. Somebody who makes all the sense. Somebody who’s untouched by the ways of the world. Somebody who does not judges in haste. But nevertheless I can see that you too are not immune to manipulation. On being prone to alleged machination, I must say that you need to choose your friends wisely. Don’t mistrust anyone but don’t give the rein of your life in anyone else’s hand without testing him. I blame your detachment from the proverbial real world for that. But that’s the thing which I like about you. But that’s also the thing you should be wary about.
Our recent misunderstandings not withstanding, I still feel I want to talk to you. I still feel I like you. Though I would never force anything on you or make you feel uncomfortable. I still regret how you misunderstood me on that doomed day. Whatever you thought I was going to do was clearly not my intention. Surely not at that time. I can never ever make such a hasty gesture and ruin the friendship that is still flowering, still in its nascent stages.
I adore you. I might also say that I worship you. You’re like a goddess to me. Dreamlike. Heavenly. Unscathed by this cruel selfish world I was trapped in. I felt like a hostage in that reality. Without any hope. Just going through routines without meaning to do it or wanting to do it. Lying there just like a vegetable or something. You showed me a way out. I loved it when I started watching things the way you see them. Everything took a different hue. I was sure I was on the right track now.
I must admit that I’ve done some really stupid things in my life. Some really bad ugly events happened in my life and I was weak enough to get swayed by the events and foolish enough to believe I was in control and that was what I wanted. I am trying to bring about a change in me for better. Change goes on all through life of a man but I’m trying to direct that change for betterment. But I can’t do it on my own. I want you to support me. I want you to give me markers towards what I’m doing wrong and what I was doing right. I want you to move along with me. Validate me, chide me, punish me, just never let go of me. After showing me what lies beyond the horizon, don’t give up on me.
I hope we can be good friends for the longest time from now on with no misunderstandings or miscommunications whatsoever. I can just hope that I can be trusted and am willing to discuss issues since I believe that’s the best way of dealing with them rather than brushing it under the carpet.
Monday, October 08, 2007
The breakup of the two who never were together.
We’ve drifted apart. Slowly but surely and there seems to be no turning back. Without saying it literally, you’ve made it quite obvious that we cannot be together. That both of us can no longer exist as us. We’ve accepted this silence as the end. Nobody’s making any effort to change it. Nobody’s shouting to start discussions. There cannot be any breakthroughs and we’ve made peace with this fact. Well, one of us seems to have and that’s definitely not me.
So it’s over now. I wonder if it ever existed in reality or was it just an illusion created by this foolish mind searching desperately for love. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am. But I’m also being true to myself.
I can’t really blame you for the condition I’m in. I mean you’re being true to yourself and that’s what you should do. But the condition I’m in is not bad. It’s pathetic but also laughable at the same time. It’s hilarious actually. I blame you for all my sorrows but I still don’t hate you. Weird. Yeah. Life’s been weird lately. How can I hand over the remote control of my life in someone else’s hand? Someone who I never TESTED. But I don’t know if lovers test the people they love. They just love.
It’s funny how I worshiped you. How I bared my soul in front of you. I told you things which I thought I shouldn’t have said. The things I didn’t think anyone else other than you and me knows (The sort of things people try to hide from their soul). The things that were obviously pretty embarrassing. But there were no inhibitions when I was with you. The things that lay bare my imperfections. Maybe you were looking for a perfect partner and I realized that. But I just couldn’t help being honest with you. Just couldn’t lie to you. Just couldn’t get myself to try to manipulate you as OTHERS do. Just didn’t follow the rules of the game. Ignored all the tricks and conventions of the trade. So I think I deserved that.
I used to think that you were different. That you’d understand. Maybe I was expecting a lot. Maybe I was not good enough. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe I was seeing things that weren’t really real.
God how I hate myself right now. Maybe a part of reason is guilt. I shouldn’t be expecting anything back if my love was true. But you’ve become an obsession. I think about you 24*7. Every waking moment of the day is spent thinking of you. Every second of my sleep is spent in dreaming about you. Do I deserve getting you back? Did I ever had you in my life? God I’m going senile. I feel so weak. I just want to shut out every thought I had of you from my mind but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.
It’s hilarious how you dragged me into writing. I was talking to you and told you that I’m trying to write some poetry which only I know was really crude and crappy. But your initial interest inspired and intrigued me. The simple words you uttered, “I’d be interested to look at what you’ve written but if I don’t like it, don’t try to force me into it.” And then you laughed. How I wished that the world could’ve stopped right then and there and I could froze that moment for me to relive it whenever I want to. I still hear that laughter ringing in my ears. Pure, innocent, uninhibited.
That did the trick for me. Before that it was nothing. Just a prisoner yearning to break free. But you actually broke those chains. You made me appreciate the meaning of freedom when I was a stranger to that feeling. You made me realize what a blessing it was. I got tense and scared of letting you down. Your encouragement was all that I needed to give it an earnest shot. You were my only audience. I don’t write much these days. Who should I be writing for now? Maybe myself. But I see that drive is missing. I am tying to reclaim it but it’s difficult.
I have still not reached that depth where after reaching; it’d all seem to be intuitive. It’d just flow out of my soul. Effortlessly. I’ll leave the figuring out part to others. The stage where I’ll decide the rules. The point where thinking will be easier and the connection will last longer and mind will stay in the zone for a longer span of time. I am still not there since I’ve never ever felt true love. I feel that something is missing.
How could you shut the door right into my face just like that one fine day? You say you’re not interested. You say you’re not in mood for this stuff right now. I used to write a song a day when I was writing for you. I never had time for correcting or editing those pieces since I was so busy writing that there was no time to do anything else. Now most of those writings are lying in some garbage heap rotting since they had no purpose to exist.
You weren’t really reading most of it but I was still writing for you. I wanted to impress you by showing it to you. Guess it was all in my head then. We were never officially together and we never officially broke up. It was all a silent false illusion I was living in. Pity that I still can’t get over it. Sometimes I want to become numb to all these feelings. Like a stone. Sometimes I feel addicted to this sweet poison.
I still feel loved by you. I still want to be loved by you. But I won’t be trying to manipulate you into wanting me. That’d be unfair to me and you. I want to get over you at the same time. I want to hear you laughing again. God wasn’t it the best thing that ever happened to me,
I don’t know if I’ll find true love again. But I need to keep searching for it though. But for that I need to be sure I won’t be getting any love from you. You’ll be a part of my soul though. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you. You shook my existence. You made me feel alive. I’m exploring life all because of you. You’ve been a blessing. Bittersweet. You’ve comforted me when times got rough. Consoled me when going got tough. You confuse me like no other mystery of life. I guess that’s what love is. Most Spellbinding mystery ever created by god. Greater than every science and stronger than every reason. The most compelling argument of god’s existence. I have found a reason to stay on living. Earlier it was love. Now its finding love. Hope I find love that lasts and love that reciprocates.
I know it’s selfish to expect it to reciprocate. I hope lessons of life that love teaches me help me evolve as a person. Maybe you’re just helping me transcend this pain to find myself; you do have to see your love get hurt sometimes to make your love grow. It’s hard to see him struggling but you’re assured that this is the best thing that could happen to the lover and hence find peace in this fact. That makes me want to wait. Is it a test? Why would you test me? Is it for my own good? That makes me stagnate. That makes me stay.
I’m finally over you. Did I ever love you? Or am I just romanticizing myself to believe that that I loved you. Or that I’m making futile attempts to convince that I’m over you? Was it infatuation? Was it true love which could never be mine since I let it remain undeclared? It was a lack of courage. It pains to come to terms with your limitations. It pains even more when you know you need to work towards getting better.
All I can say is that the whole experience was worth it. I went through a lot of different emotions which I couldn’t have if you weren’t there. That mix of different feelings was eclectic and crazy.
Hope the fog surrounding this mystery reveals itself someday because as of now I don’t find myself capable of seeing through it.
I honestly cannot muster enough courage to declare the whole truth. And I honestly cannot afford to be that dishonest to myself or to the world that I say that it was a fiction created by me. Neither can I say that it was inspired wholly by some of my friend. That would be untrue. I’d like you to carry the impression that I am making all this up to sound more interesting and mysterious. Hope you feel that way. Hope I get stronger. Hope I get courageous enough to be honest to be unashamed of my crimes and follies and admit my wrongs in front of the world. That is the only way to seek redemption.
Friday, October 05, 2007
On the power of love to influence change for better and the realization of strength to implement that change.
Every time I see someone successful and genuinely happy, I get emotional. I think about how blessed and lucky they are. I don’t really feel this feeling when I see anyone and everyone. But some people, and they might be strangers, long lost friends, best friends, they might be anyone, make me feel that way. I feel an intense feeling of peace, love and emptiness at the same time. It something that reflects in their faces. The mixture of innocence and happiness and total absence of treachery and negativity or ego.
I hear this all the time about how happy homes breed achievers. And I really miss not being one of them. Neither am I an achiever nor a happy person. My self perception might be inaccurate since I have gained a lot of gifts. But it has only increased the anxiety and uneasiness. Maybe this is the battle I need to win which will make me eligible to the reward of true peace. In that case I should be grateful for the situation I’m in and should be happy that I’ve been given a chance.
Well back to those select few people who make me feel poor and fill me with greed. Its not only a negative feeling. I’m also inspired to change. To break the monotony and work towards becoming better.
The people I’m talking about are not those with perfect homes and unblemished skin, good academics, successful careers and perfect families. I don’t really bleed to be like the ones who seem to be perfect.
The people I’m talking about are people like us. Who live in simple homes and whose wants are few. Who care for each other. Where love is the solution all the needs. Where people think that happiness stems from something much more deeper than material pleasure. Who don’t feel amused when they see people doing wrong things. Who don’t curse. Who are unassuming and don’t brag about their achievements. Who don’t claim to be special or something out of this world. Who are not so pompous about their success.
Where everyone is treated with dignity. Where there is no abuse. Respect for elders and love for younger ones. Who make it big with the resources they have rather than cribbing about what they don’t have. Who remain humane and humble throughout their lives and try to live simple but uncommon lives. To smile the way they are smiling is something worth dying for. But dying won’t solve a thing. Working towards getting that state of mind and making sure that you don’t start living in a mirage is something that’ll make it a reality.
This emptiness, this hollowness I feel whenever I see them is overwhelming. I feel like crying. I am not really jealous of them or envy them in any way. It was all a game of fate. I had to go through the emotions and situations I’m going through. I needed to feel what its like to be poor. I needed to see how happiness has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love.
Pure Selfless Love. The one for which we’d sacrifice ourselves without thinking twice. That sacrifice won’t seem to be sacrifice but a natural thing to do. We won’t feel like martyrs doing it. It’d be another expression of our selfless love which will seem common to us but special to everyone else. Maybe common is a very poor word to describe it. Yeah, obvious seems to be the right word. It’d seem to be an intuitive action. Something that won’t seem to OURSELVES as a special act of courage. A decision which we’ll arrive upon without blinking the eye.
The sacrifice wouldn’t harm anything innocent. It’d in no way tarnish the beauty of the soul of the man. It’d not set a bad example for anyone. It’ll in no way belittle the glory of true love.
A realization is dawning on me. It doesn’t take wisdom alone to change. It takes conviction and courage to change. You need to have strength to work your plan. You need to have conviction to carry it through to a logical conclusion.
Keep dreaming what seems unreal but what you know would feel really good and right and keep working towards achieving it.
Am I right or am I just a loser, jealous of achievers. Let me know.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I feel like the artist who couldn’t express himself. The painter whose brushes were snatched and he’s incapable to either run away or snatch those brushes back. Then suddenly out of blue after a lot of time when he has given up hope of getting back to what he considered life and he started looking for another source of meaning, those same people hand those brushes back. The person gets confused. He has got the very thing he has longed for all his life has been handed over to him without any reason. He gets tense on hearing that he is free to do whatever he wants to do. He is scared of walking the road and destroys those brushes in haste and lives the rest of his life ruing that action and trying to convince that he could’ve never ever painted. But then somewhere congratulating that he was good and he had potential to be better.
Now this land has lots of potential. He has no idea about what it can do. No idea about the effects of its expression. No idea whether the repercussions would be positive or negative. The volcano is anything the person wants badly enough to do/get.
Now he has two options. Simmer with discontent and feel constricted under pressure for a while till the volcano erupts bringing to fore the springs of unheard wisdom and treasures of unseen emotions. Something unique. From the bottom of the soul.
The other option is to find a temporary vent and keep letting go of pressure from time to time. The easy and more common option to let go of the simmering rage inside you. But being convict to the guilt and unrealized potential forever.
Do we need to search for vent? An opening. I guess yes. How do we get to know that the time is ripe for eruption? Should we continue till our patience allows us to? Should it be the time when only drastic measures can help to maintain the sanctity of land? How violating the attack should be to mutilate the sacredness to retaliate?
But the fertility of land has been long lost and I fear that the volcano will never erupt. Is it possible that there would be no explosion after we have missed the right opportunity to explode? Will those springs will remain unseen forever. Will the land die with that song still unsung in his heart?
The problem is the confusion. We cannot afford to forget the necessity of making/letting everything happen at the right time. Or can we? Is it mentioned somewhere in the mysterious shadows of world we live in? Are there omens? Are we meant to attempt to decrypt them? We write the future nevertheless. The destiny is in our hands to be made.
Am I meant to be helped? Will it hinder my growth like that of a larva which has to go through turmoil to turn into a butterfly? You help it and it will never turn into what it could have been. It would die because of your help. It would never reach its potential because it got help when it was meant to evolve into a higher being on its own.
Right now I have two plans which I can follow. Both offer tremendous opportunities and some possible drawbacks. One I continue what I was doing and learn from the routine I have been subjected to and grow. Growth will come because of the sheer intensity of sentiments I am feeling. It is nevertheless the easy thing to do.
Or I can follow the SEEMINGLY difficult path of adventure and expose myself to the vagaries of the real world. Grow from the freedom. Learn from the independent spirits.
I have no idea which road is the proverbial easy way and which one is difficult. The second one, the adventure can be considered easy since it might be construed as a way to escape the sheer intensity of feelings, as a means to escape the present reality and abandon the road and fellow pilgrims and search for meaning elsewhere. The first one might be my lack of commitment, my procrastination which holds me back from being worthy of undertaking the adventures.
Just when I was pondering over the decision, I got a sign. That if I can dare to, I should try to undertake the adventure. The mystery of unknown can bring to the surface the wisdom which was alien to me. If it’s meant otherwise, the whole providence will stop me. But I should not hold myself back. I can save the fellow travelers only if I can understand how to save myself. I must not hold myself back from reaching my full potential.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
I say that the things people expect you to do or the things people say to you should not effect your decisions. I think your thought process after pondering on those questions should help you make decisions that you make in your life. So we should be confident enough not to give the remote control of our lives in anyone else’s hands. We should not let others to manipulate your emotions and clog your thoughts. Pity them if need be. Accept them as prisoners of a closed mindset. Other people’s misdeeds should not instigate you to digress to the levels you deemed low. Pay heed to your actions rather than what they think about you. I mean the every event has a lot of events and actions behind it which is beyond our understanding or comprehension. So the best course of action is to end the obsession with results.
You need to have doubts about your existence. About everything around you first and they should piss you off so badly that you try to find answers or at least try to find a person who knows the answers. And if you get problems in the way of your search, consider that as a part of your journey which will make you evolve and make you worthy of your destination. Don’t just give up your quest for betterment. You are bound to fail at some tasks. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
If you think you’re perfect. If you think there’s nothing wrong with you, then how can you be resurrected? You need to have doubts about your existence. About everything around you first and they should piss you off so badly that you try to find answers or at least try to find a person who knows the answers. And if you get problems in the way of your search, consider that as a part of your journey which will make you evolve and make you worthy of your destination. Don’t just give up your quest for betterment. You are bound to fail at some tasks. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You rise up and keep climbing towards the hill.
I think the answer is hope. The answer is sacrifice. I ask why cant we have faith in goodness of people and give them a chance? You have to sacrifice something to gain something significant. Isn’t true friendship worth all the heartburns, trials and tribulations? Only lucky ones get true friends worth dying for.
You can talk about anything and everything with friends without any inhibitions. You can be yourself. You can get the advice from people who understand you and who will make you understand yourself better. The people who will forgive your sins and help you make amends and move on. The people who will point out your faults but will trust you nevertheless and be faithful to you. These are the people on whom you can count on in your hour of trouble. These people will watch your back when you’re not on guard and the whole world is watching to stab you. The true friendship might seem like an utopian concept. People say that people are not perfect and their faith is bound to falter and they will give up on you at some point. But I still cling to hope. Helping out people where I think they are right and they cannot do without my help. The gravity of need is one thing which can only be fully understood by the one who is caught up in a certain situation. So I cannot claim that I’m helping the person to pull him out of that situation. I just help him out to gain wisdom and help him to move on with life without any hiccups. I get gratification and peace of mind by helping out. The elation that only helping selflessly can bring to your heart.
I hate trying to judge people. I’m guilty of this crime. I judge my potential friends in haste, I want them to be perfect. Without any blemishes. I would love to change this habit of myself. I try observing them though and try to find why they are doing what they are doing. Never understand much and don’t dare ask them. Some of them don’t know about it themselves. I blame the disconnect between mind and soul to be the reason. Not that I have understood much. It has only increased my doubts. Increased the confusion manifold. I hope I regain my innocence someday. I hope the duality gives what to oneness. That I don’t have to put a face in front of somebody. I hope I stop being a masquerader. I hope I find peace. I hope that god gives me strength to make me admit my dark deeds in open someday. I would not admit in front of a priest in a cabin since the crimes were committed against the soul of world. The spirit of humanity was tarnished by those acts. So I have to beg for forgiveness in front of them. I will have to accept the verdict to wash away my sins.
Who are we? What are we? Where did we come from? What’s our purpose in our life? How did we come into being? Do I really need the answers? Do I really deserve them? Am I really prepared to listen to them? Why shouldn’t I let it remain mystery?
Anyways, I’ll let these questions remain unanswered for a while.
Never judge people by their words. Words can be made up by people considering the needs and situations. People can play with words to use them to their advantage if they have something at stake. If they had nothing to lose and they didn’t cared, then words could’ve been window to their souls. But sadly that’s not the case. I say watch whether they are true to what they say. First step towards not being a hypocrite is admitting that you’re a hypocrite.
I’ve noticed one thing. People are unashamedly hypocritical and manipulative. They say that they are innocent and world is full of crap. They sound righteous in their statements but are unashamedly wicked and sadistic in their actions. They derive pleasure from people’s sorrows and torture people mentally. Then they go around the world bragging about how desired and how wonderful they are. About how innocent and naive they are in the ways of the world.
I hear a lot of crap from people about how ugly I am and how I cannot talk well. About how unsuccessful I am with girls. Well. Anyways. As much ugly and repulsive as I am and I cannot do much to change how I look and sound but still I ask if is this is all there is to my life. Is that the whole meaning and purpose of my life?
Ok let me come to the topic bugging me for quite some time. I feel left out. Like an outcast. Left out of this sodomy called life. This goddamned materialistic world. My so-called friends talk a lot about how they respect women. At the same time they ask me to be manipulative in my ways and fake an “ATTITUDE”. Attitude portraying superiority and ego, arrogance and pomposity.
So that they can be attracted towards my enigmatic and elusive persona. Don’t I have better things to do than appearing to be someone who I am not? Shouldn’t I rather devote my energies doing something more constructive and something more long lasting? Something which improves my character and flourishes my intellectual capabilities. Something which will improve my physical competence. Something which will bring about more lasting happiness and more lasting meaning. Something which will help me becomes a more complete person.
Don’t giving a crap about other people’s feelings. Not fucking caring about anyone else but your wants. Your needs. But deep down feeling guilty that we are being untrue to yourself. That something is wrong somewhere. But choke that feeble little goddamned voice called conscience as easily as they their screwed up minds allow them to.
Gaining popularity by disrespecting simple folks who cannot defend or present their views coherently logically. Gaining reputation by making fun of others. Gaining status by bragging about what they did and who they know. By making up lies and hurting people to gain their confidence and gratitude. Gaining by depicting themselves complete in all those aspects others feel incomplete, impotent and insecure about. Faking a know it all smile. Been there done that crap.
Is this justified? Is this right? Should I join the party? Do I want to join? Fuck no! Do I want to have the thoughts I’m having. I think yes. Even if they hurt and torture me mentally. Even if I feel choked. Even if I feel lonely. Friendless. Insane. Crazy.
I guess nothing could be a more thrilling, fulfilling adventure than standing up for what you believe in. Just be sure not to lose the perspective and not to be blinded by your ideals and turn into a fanatic vehemently imposing his viewpoint or living in his own bubble. Always be ready to hear your foes out. Even if it’s just to get a better understanding of their point of view. Maybe it will give you a point or two which you can keep in mind to improve or which you think is in your favor or which you can use to attack them.
Man I don’t see the respect for women. I don’t know if all of them are worthy of it or not. I don’t think you should talk crap about them. People spread rumors about them. People fucking only see them as objects for sexual gratification. They talk excitedly about how they manipulated the girls to do whatever they wanted them to do. They say that girls are emotional fools and can be manipulated and in the same breath they would say that they are being friendly and there was no intention to flirt or play mind games. They couldn’t care less about their feelings. They justify their actions by labeling them as tramps that deserve to be treated that way. I think I ought to ask them about how they would think if the same thing happened to their daughters, sisters and mothers.
I see sick sadistic bastards with a very perverted value system graduating out of the graduation schools. These people can cross any limits to satisfy the cravings of their mind. People see education in a very narrow perspective. Only considering how he fared academically to judge him. Which college he went to? How much percentage? How much Rank? How much CGPA?
There seems to be no notion of right or wrong. Only desires needing to be fulfilled. There is no concept of guilt, innocence or retribution in their spirit. These people seem to me to be walking dead. Numb to all the human feelings. Cold and calculating as some mothafuckin’ androids. Closed to feelings of other people. Living for themselves in the delusion they created for themselves so painstakingly. Man I would hate to hurt someone else for my pleasure.
Not complete yet but I don’t think it’s supposed to be complete। I plan to keep on rambling all my life.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
I don’t know if this urge to quench their inquisitiveness is wrong and I don’t know why people think it needs to be snubbed. Maybe they are looking for perfect people with perfect (read socially accepted) mindsets. These questions when answered will fortify the faith. Fill us with love. Help us rectify our faults. Help the world to become a better place. But what if the person is looked down upon? Treated like a madman. Treated like a black sheep. What if people make him feel unwanted.
I don’t expect the path to be rosy. Maybe it was his karma to get snubbed and grow as a result. Maybe he is wrong but he needs somebody to correct him. Answering his questions after listening patiently and understanding is the only way ahead.
But should a person open his heart and soul to people he loves but those who are not willing to listen to him. I don’t know if such an act will do more harm than good. It might push him into deeper abyss of despair or lead him astray from his path.
Or should he gratify those people by saying what those people want to hear and continue walking his path without their knowledge. This might lead to duality in his nature and that might be a bad thing even if he feels it is necessary in his evolution. I don’t really comprehend the consequences of such an action on his soul.
One thing is for sure, He should analyze all the things people say objectively and adopt whatever you feel is right.
P.S. One more thing. If you think I should not be thinking these thoughts do tell me ways to change. I sometimes feel like an outcast and would like to change that.
Monday, October 30, 2006
I felt completely lost during the year I dropped after high school to make it to a good college. And during that time I did’nt study a single thing because my mind was so full of different things. Different emotions. Anger, frustration, hurt, agony, self-pity, guilt, fear. I was always thinking about the people who were cursing me – people who said I was wrong, rather than trying to prove them wrong. I felt lonely because it seemed like everyone was judging, staring, pointing and hating me.
But in the end it was a choice I made. It was my decision to sulk. And after that wasted year I felt completely out of place at my new college which was obviously not my first choice. I had no sense of belonging. I felt I didn’t deserve this place. So I continued to punish myself by not allowing myself to have fun. I didn’t allowed myself to be happy. As a result I couldn’t concentrate on studies and screwed up big time.
So that’s how I learnt that I COULD’VE succeeded but I chose to lose. I chose to crib. But in the end it was my choice. But for all the missed opportunities and lost chances you have this tremendous realization that you have many more lined to grab, that you wouldn’t be able to if you go on sulking.
The biggest and most important lesson my short stay on this planet has taught me is that the choice is always yours. Never regret or repent. Because you always get what you deserve. You reap the seeds of your karma.You let negativity linger inside you, you pay for the consequences.
So instead of worrying, start living. Stop trying to be like somebody. Follow your own path. Every SOMEBODY followed his own path and you have to do the same. So get inspired by what your idols did and get motivated to do what you wanted to do. Become somebody that somebody would like to become. Stop praying for miracles, and say that you are willing to be the miracle that others are praying for. Become the person you’ve been yearning to meet.
If I’m confusing you, I’d like to state that it’s just my muddled mind making it difficult for me to reflect in a methodical way.
An Unfinished Song
With enough courage, determination, and conviction a man will achieve whatever he wants to achieve. Thoughts shape the man. The success eludes us because we have got the priorities in our life all wrong. There is a disconnect with our heart. We have stopped listening to our soul. As a result my mind is restless, my opinions incoherent. I am lost in haze of confusion. But only I can find my way back. Only I can rediscover my inner self. Others can show the way but I am the one who has to walk the path. So all responsibilities lies with me. It was my destiny that brings me where I am. Accepting Responsibility for my actions is I think the first step in improving me as a person. But the root of the problem is that I babble a lot but fail while applying. I talk a lot but I never f*&^%$# do what is expected of me even by myself. Somehow I don’t know how to do it. I make a lot of excuses. I have lost the drive to succeed, the will to excel. I need to find my enthusiasm and fight the demons in my mind that are stopping me from achieving victory. I need to rekindle the spark in me. But somehow I fail to understand how to go about it. I don’t seem to garner enough courage of character to work for my goals. I am a terrible procrastinator and somehow feel weak to break the strands of complacency. Combine that with a deep self pity and an incurable cribber and you get a loser. An unfinished dream. A vision lost in midst of harsh realities. A mind unable to come to terms of the realities with no knack to adapt and evolve.
There were times when I felt helpless - when everything seems out of order. Odds seemed to be insurmountable. When the situations were proving too much to handle and demands seemed too impractical. At those moments I couldn’t curb my urge to quit and gave up in those weak moments. Had I been stronger, I would’ve shown willingness to remove frustration and transcend the self doubts to emerge stronger out of crisis. I would be able to march forward towards the glory.From now on I’ll just remind myself of agony and heartache I felt as a loser. The frustration I get as an underachiever - The dread and pain of living with an unsung song in my heart. From now on I’m going to change the way I think. People have had succeed and achieved a lot more with much less. I was so busy counting other people’s blessings and my shortcomings that I almost forgot to put in an effort. I forgot that success needed work and toil. You needed to slog and strive for your aim. I was ruing so much for the lost ground that I forgot that it will increase if I don’t make an effort to make up for it right now.You see, we, the pampered ones who have not had to work for the basic necessities in life, – who have been provided everything on platter - are more susceptible to give up because we are too smug to worry about consequences. We are accustomed to a certain way of life and have nothing at stake. We have had food on our table every single day. We have had good clothes to wear, parents to fall back on – but we curse every one of them. We are not appreciating what we have. We have become thankless and ungracious. Somehow the priorities of existence have changed.
The desire to win, the yearning for excellence, the longing for success is not that high. I mean let’s face it; the stakes are not that high for people like us. That’s why we are not working as hard as we can and should. We are mentally not tough enough. We don’t have that burning heart. That eye of the tiger. And at the root of every great success is hunger of glory.
From now on I will be striving to get back that fire in my belly.