Adventure of the unknown.

The problem of choice.

Unchartered territory: New challenges, new experiences and fresh prespectives and possibly new outlook. Or new point of view over previous incidents.

I feel like the barren earth which could have been fertile. But which hasn’t lost its potential to be fertile. It’s barren since I haven’t nurtured it as well as I could have. It was not provided with proper nourishment. But the damage done is not irreparable. There is hope for life. The spring of wisdom can still come to the surface with a bang. The Volcano which hasn’t been allowed to vent its feelings can still erupt just because hope is intact.

I feel like the artist who couldn’t express himself. The painter whose brushes were snatched and he’s incapable to either run away or snatch those brushes back. Then suddenly out of blue after a lot of time when he has given up hope of getting back to what he considered life and he started looking for another source of meaning, those same people hand those brushes back. The person gets confused. He has got the very thing he has longed for all his life has been handed over to him without any reason. He gets tense on hearing that he is free to do whatever he wants to do. He is scared of walking the road and destroys those brushes in haste and lives the rest of his life ruing that action and trying to convince that he could’ve never ever painted. But then somewhere congratulating that he was good and he had potential to be better.

Now this land has lots of potential. He has no idea about what it can do. No idea about the effects of its expression. No idea whether the repercussions would be positive or negative. The volcano is anything the person wants badly enough to do/get.

Now he has two options. Simmer with discontent and feel constricted under pressure for a while till the volcano erupts bringing to fore the springs of unheard wisdom and treasures of unseen emotions. Something unique. From the bottom of the soul.

The other option is to find a temporary vent and keep letting go of pressure from time to time. The easy and more common option to let go of the simmering rage inside you. But being convict to the guilt and unrealized potential forever.

Do we need to search for vent? An opening. I guess yes. How do we get to know that the time is ripe for eruption? Should we continue till our patience allows us to? Should it be the time when only drastic measures can help to maintain the sanctity of land? How violating the attack should be to mutilate the sacredness to retaliate?

But the fertility of land has been long lost and I fear that the volcano will never erupt. Is it possible that there would be no explosion after we have missed the right opportunity to explode? Will those springs will remain unseen forever. Will the land die with that song still unsung in his heart?

The problem is the confusion. We cannot afford to forget the necessity of making/letting everything happen at the right time. Or can we? Is it mentioned somewhere in the mysterious shadows of world we live in? Are there omens? Are we meant to attempt to decrypt them? We write the future nevertheless. The destiny is in our hands to be made.

Am I meant to be helped? Will it hinder my growth like that of a larva which has to go through turmoil to turn into a butterfly? You help it and it will never turn into what it could have been. It would die because of your help. It would never reach its potential because it got help when it was meant to evolve into a higher being on its own.

Right now I have two plans which I can follow. Both offer tremendous opportunities and some possible drawbacks. One I continue what I was doing and learn from the routine I have been subjected to and grow. Growth will come because of the sheer intensity of sentiments I am feeling. It is nevertheless the easy thing to do.

Or I can follow the SEEMINGLY difficult path of adventure and expose myself to the vagaries of the real world. Grow from the freedom. Learn from the independent spirits.

I have no idea which road is the proverbial easy way and which one is difficult. The second one, the adventure can be considered easy since it might be construed as a way to escape the sheer intensity of feelings, as a means to escape the present reality and abandon the road and fellow pilgrims and search for meaning elsewhere. The first one might be my lack of commitment, my procrastination which holds me back from being worthy of undertaking the adventures.

Just when I was pondering over the decision, I got a sign. That if I can dare to, I should try to undertake the adventure. The mystery of unknown can bring to the surface the wisdom which was alien to me. If it’s meant otherwise, the whole providence will stop me. But I should not hold myself back. I can save the fellow travelers only if I can understand how to save myself. I must not hold myself back from reaching my full potential.

Entropy

Why the confusion?!?

Is it necessary?!?

We worry because we’re insecure, unsure if we’re on the right path. All the fanatics and fools like wise are too sure of themselves. We’re unsure since we have an open mind. All of us are trying to find a meaning in our lives. Our every action is directed towards betterment and more meaning, however meaningless it appears to be. We all do the craps we think is right or the crap other people think is right and we agree that the other people are right and they should do the crap other people ask us to do. We all do the things we are forced to do since we seek validation or are unsure of what we want from our lives. Or we think it’s an essential thing to do to attain the goals we set for ourselves. I think we need to think about what people are thinking about you with a right attitude to get a perspective on where you are in your life and where you want to go. You need to continuously reassess and reevaluate the goals you’ve set and the relevance of those goals in your search for better meaning in life. We cannot go on blaming God for our misdeeds as in he is in control and he put the situations around us and we had no choice but to do what we did. The choice is always yours. The action was committed by you. Take responsibility for what you did rather than blame god for your powerlessness. The choice is always yours. It was your karma that brought you where you are right now. Only your actions can take you closer towards better meaning/salvation in life. We need to be unashamedly contradicting and confused to clear the fog that clogs our mind. To clear the fog, you need to first recognize the fog. That is the only way you won’t be blinded by your own madness and logic. That you wouldn’t turn into an insane and irrational fanatic. Only way you would remain humble enough to listen to other people with empathy and understanding which will help you to improve your and other people’s life. Only way to save yourself from turning into a close minded lunatic.

I say that the things people expect you to do or the things people say to you should not effect your decisions. I think your thought process after pondering on those questions should help you make decisions that you make in your life. So we should be confident enough not to give the remote control of our lives in anyone else’s hands. We should not let others to manipulate your emotions and clog your thoughts. Pity them if need be. Accept them as prisoners of a closed mindset. Other people’s misdeeds should not instigate you to digress to the levels you deemed low. Pay heed to your actions rather than what they think about you. I mean the every event has a lot of events and actions behind it which is beyond our understanding or comprehension. So the best course of action is to end the obsession with results.

Dilemma

If you think you’re perfect. If you think there’s nothing wrong with you, then how can you be resurrected. How are you supposed to strive for perfection if you’re already perfect? Why should you keep on running if you’re already where you always wanted to be? Already at the top of the mountain you always wanted to climb.

You need to have doubts about your existence. About everything around you first and they should piss you off so badly that you try to find answers or at least try to find a person who knows the answers. And if you get problems in the way of your search, consider that as a part of your journey which will make you evolve and make you worthy of your destination. Don’t just give up your quest for betterment. You are bound to fail at some tasks. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

If you think you’re perfect. If you think there’s nothing wrong with you, then how can you be resurrected? You need to have doubts about your existence. About everything around you first and they should piss you off so badly that you try to find answers or at least try to find a person who knows the answers. And if you get problems in the way of your search, consider that as a part of your journey which will make you evolve and make you worthy of your destination. Don’t just give up your quest for betterment. You are bound to fail at some tasks. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You rise up and keep climbing towards the hill.

Is it worth the trouble?!?

Is it worth getting in trouble for your friends? Is it worth getting in trouble for people who are potential friends? Can you afford to help out people you consider friends. The people to whom you’re just well wishers. The people who don’t really except anything from you. The people who won’t feel hurt if you won’t volunteer your help. They have no right to feel hurt because you don’t owe anything to anybody. Is it worth it? People say why screw yourself for somebody who will turn out to be an ungracious acquaintance?

I think the answer is hope. The answer is sacrifice. I ask why cant we have faith in goodness of people and give them a chance? You have to sacrifice something to gain something significant. Isn’t true friendship worth all the heartburns, trials and tribulations? Only lucky ones get true friends worth dying for.

You can talk about anything and everything with friends without any inhibitions. You can be yourself. You can get the advice from people who understand you and who will make you understand yourself better. The people who will forgive your sins and help you make amends and move on. The people who will point out your faults but will trust you nevertheless and be faithful to you. These are the people on whom you can count on in your hour of trouble. These people will watch your back when you’re not on guard and the whole world is watching to stab you. The true friendship might seem like an utopian concept. People say that people are not perfect and their faith is bound to falter and they will give up on you at some point. But I still cling to hope. Helping out people where I think they are right and they cannot do without my help. The gravity of need is one thing which can only be fully understood by the one who is caught up in a certain situation. So I cannot claim that I’m helping the person to pull him out of that situation. I just help him out to gain wisdom and help him to move on with life without any hiccups. I get gratification and peace of mind by helping out. The elation that only helping selflessly can bring to your heart.

I hate trying to judge people. I’m guilty of this crime. I judge my potential friends in haste, I want them to be perfect. Without any blemishes. I would love to change this habit of myself. I try observing them though and try to find why they are doing what they are doing. Never understand much and don’t dare ask them. Some of them don’t know about it themselves. I blame the disconnect between mind and soul to be the reason. Not that I have understood much. It has only increased my doubts. Increased the confusion manifold. I hope I regain my innocence someday. I hope the duality gives what to oneness. That I don’t have to put a face in front of somebody. I hope I stop being a masquerader. I hope I find peace. I hope that god gives me strength to make me admit my dark deeds in open someday. I would not admit in front of a priest in a cabin since the crimes were committed against the soul of world. The spirit of humanity was tarnished by those acts. So I have to beg for forgiveness in front of them. I will have to accept the verdict to wash away my sins.

Perspective

Spiritual Crisis

Who are we? What are we? Where did we come from? What’s our purpose in our life? How did we come into being? Do I really need the answers? Do I really deserve them? Am I really prepared to listen to them? Why shouldn’t I let it remain mystery?

Anyways, I’ll let these questions remain unanswered for a while.

Never judge people by their words. Words can be made up by people considering the needs and situations. People can play with words to use them to their advantage if they have something at stake. If they had nothing to lose and they didn’t cared, then words could’ve been window to their souls. But sadly that’s not the case. I say watch whether they are true to what they say. First step towards not being a hypocrite is admitting that you’re a hypocrite.

I’ve noticed one thing. People are unashamedly hypocritical and manipulative. They say that they are innocent and world is full of crap. They sound righteous in their statements but are unashamedly wicked and sadistic in their actions. They derive pleasure from people’s sorrows and torture people mentally. Then they go around the world bragging about how desired and how wonderful they are. About how innocent and naive they are in the ways of the world.

I hear a lot of crap from people about how ugly I am and how I cannot talk well. About how unsuccessful I am with girls. Well. Anyways. As much ugly and repulsive as I am and I cannot do much to change how I look and sound but still I ask if is this is all there is to my life. Is that the whole meaning and purpose of my life?

Ok let me come to the topic bugging me for quite some time. I feel left out. Like an outcast. Left out of this sodomy called life. This goddamned materialistic world. My so-called friends talk a lot about how they respect women. At the same time they ask me to be manipulative in my ways and fake an “ATTITUDE”. Attitude portraying superiority and ego, arrogance and pomposity.

So that they can be attracted towards my enigmatic and elusive persona. Don’t I have better things to do than appearing to be someone who I am not? Shouldn’t I rather devote my energies doing something more constructive and something more long lasting? Something which improves my character and flourishes my intellectual capabilities. Something which will improve my physical competence. Something which will bring about more lasting happiness and more lasting meaning. Something which will help me becomes a more complete person.

Don’t giving a crap about other people’s feelings. Not fucking caring about anyone else but your wants. Your needs. But deep down feeling guilty that we are being untrue to yourself. That something is wrong somewhere. But choke that feeble little goddamned voice called conscience as easily as they their screwed up minds allow them to.

Gaining popularity by disrespecting simple folks who cannot defend or present their views coherently logically. Gaining reputation by making fun of others. Gaining status by bragging about what they did and who they know. By making up lies and hurting people to gain their confidence and gratitude. Gaining by depicting themselves complete in all those aspects others feel incomplete, impotent and insecure about. Faking a know it all smile. Been there done that crap.

Is this justified? Is this right? Should I join the party? Do I want to join? Fuck no! Do I want to have the thoughts I’m having. I think yes. Even if they hurt and torture me mentally. Even if I feel choked. Even if I feel lonely. Friendless. Insane. Crazy.

I guess nothing could be a more thrilling, fulfilling adventure than standing up for what you believe in. Just be sure not to lose the perspective and not to be blinded by your ideals and turn into a fanatic vehemently imposing his viewpoint or living in his own bubble. Always be ready to hear your foes out. Even if it’s just to get a better understanding of their point of view. Maybe it will give you a point or two which you can keep in mind to improve or which you think is in your favor or which you can use to attack them.

Man I don’t see the respect for women. I don’t know if all of them are worthy of it or not. I don’t think you should talk crap about them. People spread rumors about them. People fucking only see them as objects for sexual gratification. They talk excitedly about how they manipulated the girls to do whatever they wanted them to do. They say that girls are emotional fools and can be manipulated and in the same breath they would say that they are being friendly and there was no intention to flirt or play mind games. They couldn’t care less about their feelings. They justify their actions by labeling them as tramps that deserve to be treated that way. I think I ought to ask them about how they would think if the same thing happened to their daughters, sisters and mothers.

I see sick sadistic bastards with a very perverted value system graduating out of the graduation schools. These people can cross any limits to satisfy the cravings of their mind. People see education in a very narrow perspective. Only considering how he fared academically to judge him. Which college he went to? How much percentage? How much Rank? How much CGPA?

There seems to be no notion of right or wrong. Only desires needing to be fulfilled. There is no concept of guilt, innocence or retribution in their spirit. These people seem to me to be walking dead. Numb to all the human feelings. Cold and calculating as some mothafuckin’ androids. Closed to feelings of other people. Living for themselves in the delusion they created for themselves so painstakingly. Man I would hate to hurt someone else for my pleasure.

Not complete yet but I don’t think it’s supposed to be complete। I plan to keep on rambling all my life.

P.S. I think my feeling of feeling left out stems from something lacking in me. Mostly low self confidence. I guess all I can do is try to become a better person. Improve everything that is wrong with me. There is a tremendous scope of improvement at any given time. I will focus on what needs to be corrected. Peace.