A leaf out of the diary of a hopelessly romantic poet.

The breakup of the two who never were together.

We’ve drifted apart. Slowly but surely and there seems to be no turning back. Without saying it literally, you’ve made it quite obvious that we cannot be together. That both of us can no longer exist as us. We’ve accepted this silence as the end. Nobody’s making any effort to change it. Nobody’s shouting to start discussions. There cannot be any breakthroughs and we’ve made peace with this fact. Well, one of us seems to have and that’s definitely not me.

So it’s over now. I wonder if it ever existed in reality or was it just an illusion created by this foolish mind searching desperately for love. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am. But I’m also being true to myself.

I can’t really blame you for the condition I’m in. I mean you’re being true to yourself and that’s what you should do. But the condition I’m in is not bad. It’s pathetic but also laughable at the same time. It’s hilarious actually. I blame you for all my sorrows but I still don’t hate you. Weird. Yeah. Life’s been weird lately. How can I hand over the remote control of my life in someone else’s hand? Someone who I never TESTED. But I don’t know if lovers test the people they love. They just love.

It’s funny how I worshiped you. How I bared my soul in front of you. I told you things which I thought I shouldn’t have said. The things I didn’t think anyone else other than you and me knows (The sort of things people try to hide from their soul). The things that were obviously pretty embarrassing. But there were no inhibitions when I was with you. The things that lay bare my imperfections. Maybe you were looking for a perfect partner and I realized that. But I just couldn’t help being honest with you. Just couldn’t lie to you. Just couldn’t get myself to try to manipulate you as OTHERS do. Just didn’t follow the rules of the game. Ignored all the tricks and conventions of the trade. So I think I deserved that.

I used to think that you were different. That you’d understand. Maybe I was expecting a lot. Maybe I was not good enough. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe I was seeing things that weren’t really real.

God how I hate myself right now. Maybe a part of reason is guilt. I shouldn’t be expecting anything back if my love was true. But you’ve become an obsession. I think about you 24*7. Every waking moment of the day is spent thinking of you. Every second of my sleep is spent in dreaming about you. Do I deserve getting you back? Did I ever had you in my life? God I’m going senile. I feel so weak. I just want to shut out every thought I had of you from my mind but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.

It’s hilarious how you dragged me into writing. I was talking to you and told you that I’m trying to write some poetry which only I know was really crude and crappy. But your initial interest inspired and intrigued me. The simple words you uttered, “I’d be interested to look at what you’ve written but if I don’t like it, don’t try to force me into it.” And then you laughed. How I wished that the world could’ve stopped right then and there and I could froze that moment for me to relive it whenever I want to. I still hear that laughter ringing in my ears. Pure, innocent, uninhibited.

That did the trick for me. Before that it was nothing. Just a prisoner yearning to break free. But you actually broke those chains. You made me appreciate the meaning of freedom when I was a stranger to that feeling. You made me realize what a blessing it was. I got tense and scared of letting you down. Your encouragement was all that I needed to give it an earnest shot. You were my only audience. I don’t write much these days. Who should I be writing for now? Maybe myself. But I see that drive is missing. I am tying to reclaim it but it’s difficult.

I have still not reached that depth where after reaching; it’d all seem to be intuitive. It’d just flow out of my soul. Effortlessly. I’ll leave the figuring out part to others. The stage where I’ll decide the rules. The point where thinking will be easier and the connection will last longer and mind will stay in the zone for a longer span of time. I am still not there since I’ve never ever felt true love. I feel that something is missing.

How could you shut the door right into my face just like that one fine day? You say you’re not interested. You say you’re not in mood for this stuff right now. I used to write a song a day when I was writing for you. I never had time for correcting or editing those pieces since I was so busy writing that there was no time to do anything else. Now most of those writings are lying in some garbage heap rotting since they had no purpose to exist.

You weren’t really reading most of it but I was still writing for you. I wanted to impress you by showing it to you. Guess it was all in my head then. We were never officially together and we never officially broke up. It was all a silent false illusion I was living in. Pity that I still can’t get over it. Sometimes I want to become numb to all these feelings. Like a stone. Sometimes I feel addicted to this sweet poison.

I still feel loved by you. I still want to be loved by you. But I won’t be trying to manipulate you into wanting me. That’d be unfair to me and you. I want to get over you at the same time. I want to hear you laughing again. God wasn’t it the best thing that ever happened to me,

I don’t know if I’ll find true love again. But I need to keep searching for it though. But for that I need to be sure I won’t be getting any love from you. You’ll be a part of my soul though. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you. You shook my existence. You made me feel alive. I’m exploring life all because of you. You’ve been a blessing. Bittersweet. You’ve comforted me when times got rough. Consoled me when going got tough. You confuse me like no other mystery of life. I guess that’s what love is. Most Spellbinding mystery ever created by god. Greater than every science and stronger than every reason. The most compelling argument of god’s existence. I have found a reason to stay on living. Earlier it was love. Now its finding love. Hope I find love that lasts and love that reciprocates.

I know it’s selfish to expect it to reciprocate. I hope lessons of life that love teaches me help me evolve as a person. Maybe you’re just helping me transcend this pain to find myself; you do have to see your love get hurt sometimes to make your love grow. It’s hard to see him struggling but you’re assured that this is the best thing that could happen to the lover and hence find peace in this fact. That makes me want to wait. Is it a test? Why would you test me? Is it for my own good? That makes me stagnate. That makes me stay.

I’m finally over you. Did I ever love you? Or am I just romanticizing myself to believe that that I loved you. Or that I’m making futile attempts to convince that I’m over you? Was it infatuation? Was it true love which could never be mine since I let it remain undeclared? It was a lack of courage. It pains to come to terms with your limitations. It pains even more when you know you need to work towards getting better.

All I can say is that the whole experience was worth it. I went through a lot of different emotions which I couldn’t have if you weren’t there. That mix of different feelings was eclectic and crazy.

Hope the fog surrounding this mystery reveals itself someday because as of now I don’t find myself capable of seeing through it.

I honestly cannot muster enough courage to declare the whole truth. And I honestly cannot afford to be that dishonest to myself or to the world that I say that it was a fiction created by me. Neither can I say that it was inspired wholly by some of my friend. That would be untrue. I’d like you to carry the impression that I am making all this up to sound more interesting and mysterious. Hope you feel that way. Hope I get stronger. Hope I get courageous enough to be honest to be unashamed of my crimes and follies and admit my wrongs in front of the world. That is the only way to seek redemption.

The Inspiration.

On the power of love to influence change for better and the realization of strength to implement that change.

Every time I see someone successful and genuinely happy, I get emotional. I think about how blessed and lucky they are. I don’t really feel this feeling when I see anyone and everyone. But some people, and they might be strangers, long lost friends, best friends, they might be anyone, make me feel that way. I feel an intense feeling of peace, love and emptiness at the same time. It something that reflects in their faces. The mixture of innocence and happiness and total absence of treachery and negativity or ego.

I hear this all the time about how happy homes breed achievers. And I really miss not being one of them. Neither am I an achiever nor a happy person. My self perception might be inaccurate since I have gained a lot of gifts. But it has only increased the anxiety and uneasiness. Maybe this is the battle I need to win which will make me eligible to the reward of true peace. In that case I should be grateful for the situation I’m in and should be happy that I’ve been given a chance.

Well back to those select few people who make me feel poor and fill me with greed. Its not only a negative feeling. I’m also inspired to change. To break the monotony and work towards becoming better.

The people I’m talking about are not those with perfect homes and unblemished skin, good academics, successful careers and perfect families. I don’t really bleed to be like the ones who seem to be perfect.

The people I’m talking about are people like us. Who live in simple homes and whose wants are few. Who care for each other. Where love is the solution all the needs. Where people think that happiness stems from something much more deeper than material pleasure. Who don’t feel amused when they see people doing wrong things. Who don’t curse. Who are unassuming and don’t brag about their achievements. Who don’t claim to be special or something out of this world. Who are not so pompous about their success.

Where everyone is treated with dignity. Where there is no abuse. Respect for elders and love for younger ones. Who make it big with the resources they have rather than cribbing about what they don’t have. Who remain humane and humble throughout their lives and try to live simple but uncommon lives. To smile the way they are smiling is something worth dying for. But dying won’t solve a thing. Working towards getting that state of mind and making sure that you don’t start living in a mirage is something that’ll make it a reality.

This emptiness, this hollowness I feel whenever I see them is overwhelming. I feel like crying. I am not really jealous of them or envy them in any way. It was all a game of fate. I had to go through the emotions and situations I’m going through. I needed to feel what its like to be poor. I needed to see how happiness has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love.

Pure Selfless Love. The one for which we’d sacrifice ourselves without thinking twice. That sacrifice won’t seem to be sacrifice but a natural thing to do. We won’t feel like martyrs doing it. It’d be another expression of our selfless love which will seem common to us but special to everyone else. Maybe common is a very poor word to describe it. Yeah, obvious seems to be the right word. It’d seem to be an intuitive action. Something that won’t seem to OURSELVES as a special act of courage. A decision which we’ll arrive upon without blinking the eye.

The sacrifice wouldn’t harm anything innocent. It’d in no way tarnish the beauty of the soul of the man. It’d not set a bad example for anyone. It’ll in no way belittle the glory of true love.

A realization is dawning on me. It doesn’t take wisdom alone to change. It takes conviction and courage to change. You need to have strength to work your plan. You need to have conviction to carry it through to a logical conclusion.

Keep dreaming what seems unreal but what you know would feel really good and right and keep working towards achieving it.

Am I right or am I just a loser, jealous of achievers. Let me know.

Adventure of the unknown.

The problem of choice.

Unchartered territory: New challenges, new experiences and fresh prespectives and possibly new outlook. Or new point of view over previous incidents.

I feel like the barren earth which could have been fertile. But which hasn’t lost its potential to be fertile. It’s barren since I haven’t nurtured it as well as I could have. It was not provided with proper nourishment. But the damage done is not irreparable. There is hope for life. The spring of wisdom can still come to the surface with a bang. The Volcano which hasn’t been allowed to vent its feelings can still erupt just because hope is intact.

I feel like the artist who couldn’t express himself. The painter whose brushes were snatched and he’s incapable to either run away or snatch those brushes back. Then suddenly out of blue after a lot of time when he has given up hope of getting back to what he considered life and he started looking for another source of meaning, those same people hand those brushes back. The person gets confused. He has got the very thing he has longed for all his life has been handed over to him without any reason. He gets tense on hearing that he is free to do whatever he wants to do. He is scared of walking the road and destroys those brushes in haste and lives the rest of his life ruing that action and trying to convince that he could’ve never ever painted. But then somewhere congratulating that he was good and he had potential to be better.

Now this land has lots of potential. He has no idea about what it can do. No idea about the effects of its expression. No idea whether the repercussions would be positive or negative. The volcano is anything the person wants badly enough to do/get.

Now he has two options. Simmer with discontent and feel constricted under pressure for a while till the volcano erupts bringing to fore the springs of unheard wisdom and treasures of unseen emotions. Something unique. From the bottom of the soul.

The other option is to find a temporary vent and keep letting go of pressure from time to time. The easy and more common option to let go of the simmering rage inside you. But being convict to the guilt and unrealized potential forever.

Do we need to search for vent? An opening. I guess yes. How do we get to know that the time is ripe for eruption? Should we continue till our patience allows us to? Should it be the time when only drastic measures can help to maintain the sanctity of land? How violating the attack should be to mutilate the sacredness to retaliate?

But the fertility of land has been long lost and I fear that the volcano will never erupt. Is it possible that there would be no explosion after we have missed the right opportunity to explode? Will those springs will remain unseen forever. Will the land die with that song still unsung in his heart?

The problem is the confusion. We cannot afford to forget the necessity of making/letting everything happen at the right time. Or can we? Is it mentioned somewhere in the mysterious shadows of world we live in? Are there omens? Are we meant to attempt to decrypt them? We write the future nevertheless. The destiny is in our hands to be made.

Am I meant to be helped? Will it hinder my growth like that of a larva which has to go through turmoil to turn into a butterfly? You help it and it will never turn into what it could have been. It would die because of your help. It would never reach its potential because it got help when it was meant to evolve into a higher being on its own.

Right now I have two plans which I can follow. Both offer tremendous opportunities and some possible drawbacks. One I continue what I was doing and learn from the routine I have been subjected to and grow. Growth will come because of the sheer intensity of sentiments I am feeling. It is nevertheless the easy thing to do.

Or I can follow the SEEMINGLY difficult path of adventure and expose myself to the vagaries of the real world. Grow from the freedom. Learn from the independent spirits.

I have no idea which road is the proverbial easy way and which one is difficult. The second one, the adventure can be considered easy since it might be construed as a way to escape the sheer intensity of feelings, as a means to escape the present reality and abandon the road and fellow pilgrims and search for meaning elsewhere. The first one might be my lack of commitment, my procrastination which holds me back from being worthy of undertaking the adventures.

Just when I was pondering over the decision, I got a sign. That if I can dare to, I should try to undertake the adventure. The mystery of unknown can bring to the surface the wisdom which was alien to me. If it’s meant otherwise, the whole providence will stop me. But I should not hold myself back. I can save the fellow travelers only if I can understand how to save myself. I must not hold myself back from reaching my full potential.

Entropy

Why the confusion?!?

Is it necessary?!?

We worry because we’re insecure, unsure if we’re on the right path. All the fanatics and fools like wise are too sure of themselves. We’re unsure since we have an open mind. All of us are trying to find a meaning in our lives. Our every action is directed towards betterment and more meaning, however meaningless it appears to be. We all do the craps we think is right or the crap other people think is right and we agree that the other people are right and they should do the crap other people ask us to do. We all do the things we are forced to do since we seek validation or are unsure of what we want from our lives. Or we think it’s an essential thing to do to attain the goals we set for ourselves. I think we need to think about what people are thinking about you with a right attitude to get a perspective on where you are in your life and where you want to go. You need to continuously reassess and reevaluate the goals you’ve set and the relevance of those goals in your search for better meaning in life. We cannot go on blaming God for our misdeeds as in he is in control and he put the situations around us and we had no choice but to do what we did. The choice is always yours. The action was committed by you. Take responsibility for what you did rather than blame god for your powerlessness. The choice is always yours. It was your karma that brought you where you are right now. Only your actions can take you closer towards better meaning/salvation in life. We need to be unashamedly contradicting and confused to clear the fog that clogs our mind. To clear the fog, you need to first recognize the fog. That is the only way you won’t be blinded by your own madness and logic. That you wouldn’t turn into an insane and irrational fanatic. Only way you would remain humble enough to listen to other people with empathy and understanding which will help you to improve your and other people’s life. Only way to save yourself from turning into a close minded lunatic.

I say that the things people expect you to do or the things people say to you should not effect your decisions. I think your thought process after pondering on those questions should help you make decisions that you make in your life. So we should be confident enough not to give the remote control of our lives in anyone else’s hands. We should not let others to manipulate your emotions and clog your thoughts. Pity them if need be. Accept them as prisoners of a closed mindset. Other people’s misdeeds should not instigate you to digress to the levels you deemed low. Pay heed to your actions rather than what they think about you. I mean the every event has a lot of events and actions behind it which is beyond our understanding or comprehension. So the best course of action is to end the obsession with results.

Dilemma

If you think you’re perfect. If you think there’s nothing wrong with you, then how can you be resurrected. How are you supposed to strive for perfection if you’re already perfect? Why should you keep on running if you’re already where you always wanted to be? Already at the top of the mountain you always wanted to climb.

You need to have doubts about your existence. About everything around you first and they should piss you off so badly that you try to find answers or at least try to find a person who knows the answers. And if you get problems in the way of your search, consider that as a part of your journey which will make you evolve and make you worthy of your destination. Don’t just give up your quest for betterment. You are bound to fail at some tasks. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

If you think you’re perfect. If you think there’s nothing wrong with you, then how can you be resurrected? You need to have doubts about your existence. About everything around you first and they should piss you off so badly that you try to find answers or at least try to find a person who knows the answers. And if you get problems in the way of your search, consider that as a part of your journey which will make you evolve and make you worthy of your destination. Don’t just give up your quest for betterment. You are bound to fail at some tasks. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure. You rise up and keep climbing towards the hill.

Is it worth the trouble?!?

Is it worth getting in trouble for your friends? Is it worth getting in trouble for people who are potential friends? Can you afford to help out people you consider friends. The people to whom you’re just well wishers. The people who don’t really except anything from you. The people who won’t feel hurt if you won’t volunteer your help. They have no right to feel hurt because you don’t owe anything to anybody. Is it worth it? People say why screw yourself for somebody who will turn out to be an ungracious acquaintance?

I think the answer is hope. The answer is sacrifice. I ask why cant we have faith in goodness of people and give them a chance? You have to sacrifice something to gain something significant. Isn’t true friendship worth all the heartburns, trials and tribulations? Only lucky ones get true friends worth dying for.

You can talk about anything and everything with friends without any inhibitions. You can be yourself. You can get the advice from people who understand you and who will make you understand yourself better. The people who will forgive your sins and help you make amends and move on. The people who will point out your faults but will trust you nevertheless and be faithful to you. These are the people on whom you can count on in your hour of trouble. These people will watch your back when you’re not on guard and the whole world is watching to stab you. The true friendship might seem like an utopian concept. People say that people are not perfect and their faith is bound to falter and they will give up on you at some point. But I still cling to hope. Helping out people where I think they are right and they cannot do without my help. The gravity of need is one thing which can only be fully understood by the one who is caught up in a certain situation. So I cannot claim that I’m helping the person to pull him out of that situation. I just help him out to gain wisdom and help him to move on with life without any hiccups. I get gratification and peace of mind by helping out. The elation that only helping selflessly can bring to your heart.

I hate trying to judge people. I’m guilty of this crime. I judge my potential friends in haste, I want them to be perfect. Without any blemishes. I would love to change this habit of myself. I try observing them though and try to find why they are doing what they are doing. Never understand much and don’t dare ask them. Some of them don’t know about it themselves. I blame the disconnect between mind and soul to be the reason. Not that I have understood much. It has only increased my doubts. Increased the confusion manifold. I hope I regain my innocence someday. I hope the duality gives what to oneness. That I don’t have to put a face in front of somebody. I hope I stop being a masquerader. I hope I find peace. I hope that god gives me strength to make me admit my dark deeds in open someday. I would not admit in front of a priest in a cabin since the crimes were committed against the soul of world. The spirit of humanity was tarnished by those acts. So I have to beg for forgiveness in front of them. I will have to accept the verdict to wash away my sins.

Perspective

Spiritual Crisis

Who are we? What are we? Where did we come from? What’s our purpose in our life? How did we come into being? Do I really need the answers? Do I really deserve them? Am I really prepared to listen to them? Why shouldn’t I let it remain mystery?

Anyways, I’ll let these questions remain unanswered for a while.

Never judge people by their words. Words can be made up by people considering the needs and situations. People can play with words to use them to their advantage if they have something at stake. If they had nothing to lose and they didn’t cared, then words could’ve been window to their souls. But sadly that’s not the case. I say watch whether they are true to what they say. First step towards not being a hypocrite is admitting that you’re a hypocrite.

I’ve noticed one thing. People are unashamedly hypocritical and manipulative. They say that they are innocent and world is full of crap. They sound righteous in their statements but are unashamedly wicked and sadistic in their actions. They derive pleasure from people’s sorrows and torture people mentally. Then they go around the world bragging about how desired and how wonderful they are. About how innocent and naive they are in the ways of the world.

I hear a lot of crap from people about how ugly I am and how I cannot talk well. About how unsuccessful I am with girls. Well. Anyways. As much ugly and repulsive as I am and I cannot do much to change how I look and sound but still I ask if is this is all there is to my life. Is that the whole meaning and purpose of my life?

Ok let me come to the topic bugging me for quite some time. I feel left out. Like an outcast. Left out of this sodomy called life. This goddamned materialistic world. My so-called friends talk a lot about how they respect women. At the same time they ask me to be manipulative in my ways and fake an “ATTITUDE”. Attitude portraying superiority and ego, arrogance and pomposity.

So that they can be attracted towards my enigmatic and elusive persona. Don’t I have better things to do than appearing to be someone who I am not? Shouldn’t I rather devote my energies doing something more constructive and something more long lasting? Something which improves my character and flourishes my intellectual capabilities. Something which will improve my physical competence. Something which will bring about more lasting happiness and more lasting meaning. Something which will help me becomes a more complete person.

Don’t giving a crap about other people’s feelings. Not fucking caring about anyone else but your wants. Your needs. But deep down feeling guilty that we are being untrue to yourself. That something is wrong somewhere. But choke that feeble little goddamned voice called conscience as easily as they their screwed up minds allow them to.

Gaining popularity by disrespecting simple folks who cannot defend or present their views coherently logically. Gaining reputation by making fun of others. Gaining status by bragging about what they did and who they know. By making up lies and hurting people to gain their confidence and gratitude. Gaining by depicting themselves complete in all those aspects others feel incomplete, impotent and insecure about. Faking a know it all smile. Been there done that crap.

Is this justified? Is this right? Should I join the party? Do I want to join? Fuck no! Do I want to have the thoughts I’m having. I think yes. Even if they hurt and torture me mentally. Even if I feel choked. Even if I feel lonely. Friendless. Insane. Crazy.

I guess nothing could be a more thrilling, fulfilling adventure than standing up for what you believe in. Just be sure not to lose the perspective and not to be blinded by your ideals and turn into a fanatic vehemently imposing his viewpoint or living in his own bubble. Always be ready to hear your foes out. Even if it’s just to get a better understanding of their point of view. Maybe it will give you a point or two which you can keep in mind to improve or which you think is in your favor or which you can use to attack them.

Man I don’t see the respect for women. I don’t know if all of them are worthy of it or not. I don’t think you should talk crap about them. People spread rumors about them. People fucking only see them as objects for sexual gratification. They talk excitedly about how they manipulated the girls to do whatever they wanted them to do. They say that girls are emotional fools and can be manipulated and in the same breath they would say that they are being friendly and there was no intention to flirt or play mind games. They couldn’t care less about their feelings. They justify their actions by labeling them as tramps that deserve to be treated that way. I think I ought to ask them about how they would think if the same thing happened to their daughters, sisters and mothers.

I see sick sadistic bastards with a very perverted value system graduating out of the graduation schools. These people can cross any limits to satisfy the cravings of their mind. People see education in a very narrow perspective. Only considering how he fared academically to judge him. Which college he went to? How much percentage? How much Rank? How much CGPA?

There seems to be no notion of right or wrong. Only desires needing to be fulfilled. There is no concept of guilt, innocence or retribution in their spirit. These people seem to me to be walking dead. Numb to all the human feelings. Cold and calculating as some mothafuckin’ androids. Closed to feelings of other people. Living for themselves in the delusion they created for themselves so painstakingly. Man I would hate to hurt someone else for my pleasure.

Not complete yet but I don’t think it’s supposed to be complete। I plan to keep on rambling all my life.

P.S. I think my feeling of feeling left out stems from something lacking in me. Mostly low self confidence. I guess all I can do is try to become a better person. Improve everything that is wrong with me. There is a tremendous scope of improvement at any given time. I will focus on what needs to be corrected. Peace.

Realizations

I have realized one thing. People don’t want you to speak up your mind. Voice your doubts and people feel that there is intrinsically wrong with the person who is asking questions whose answers are anything but obvious according to them. They think it’s not normal to be curious. It’s not like that the person thinks he is wrong or right. It’s just that there are some questions in his mind. Some queries doing round in his head which need to be answered. He seeks guidance. He wants to speak up his mind. Vent out his views.

I don’t know if this urge to quench their inquisitiveness is wrong and I don’t know why people think it needs to be snubbed. Maybe they are looking for perfect people with perfect (read socially accepted) mindsets. These questions when answered will fortify the faith. Fill us with love. Help us rectify our faults. Help the world to become a better place. But what if the person is looked down upon? Treated like a madman. Treated like a black sheep. What if people make him feel unwanted.

I don’t expect the path to be rosy. Maybe it was his karma to get snubbed and grow as a result. Maybe he is wrong but he needs somebody to correct him. Answering his questions after listening patiently and understanding is the only way ahead.

But should a person open his heart and soul to people he loves but those who are not willing to listen to him. I don’t know if such an act will do more harm than good. It might push him into deeper abyss of despair or lead him astray from his path.

Or should he gratify those people by saying what those people want to hear and continue walking his path without their knowledge. This might lead to duality in his nature and that might be a bad thing even if he feels it is necessary in his evolution. I don’t really comprehend the consequences of such an action on his soul.

One thing is for sure, He should analyze all the things people say objectively and adopt whatever you feel is right.

P.S. One more thing. If you think I should not be thinking these thoughts do tell me ways to change. I sometimes feel like an outcast and would like to change that.