A leaf out of the diary of a hopelessly romantic poet.

The breakup of the two who never were together.

We’ve drifted apart. Slowly but surely and there seems to be no turning back. Without saying it literally, you’ve made it quite obvious that we cannot be together. That both of us can no longer exist as us. We’ve accepted this silence as the end. Nobody’s making any effort to change it. Nobody’s shouting to start discussions. There cannot be any breakthroughs and we’ve made peace with this fact. Well, one of us seems to have and that’s definitely not me.

So it’s over now. I wonder if it ever existed in reality or was it just an illusion created by this foolish mind searching desperately for love. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am. But I’m also being true to myself.

I can’t really blame you for the condition I’m in. I mean you’re being true to yourself and that’s what you should do. But the condition I’m in is not bad. It’s pathetic but also laughable at the same time. It’s hilarious actually. I blame you for all my sorrows but I still don’t hate you. Weird. Yeah. Life’s been weird lately. How can I hand over the remote control of my life in someone else’s hand? Someone who I never TESTED. But I don’t know if lovers test the people they love. They just love.

It’s funny how I worshiped you. How I bared my soul in front of you. I told you things which I thought I shouldn’t have said. The things I didn’t think anyone else other than you and me knows (The sort of things people try to hide from their soul). The things that were obviously pretty embarrassing. But there were no inhibitions when I was with you. The things that lay bare my imperfections. Maybe you were looking for a perfect partner and I realized that. But I just couldn’t help being honest with you. Just couldn’t lie to you. Just couldn’t get myself to try to manipulate you as OTHERS do. Just didn’t follow the rules of the game. Ignored all the tricks and conventions of the trade. So I think I deserved that.

I used to think that you were different. That you’d understand. Maybe I was expecting a lot. Maybe I was not good enough. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe I was seeing things that weren’t really real.

God how I hate myself right now. Maybe a part of reason is guilt. I shouldn’t be expecting anything back if my love was true. But you’ve become an obsession. I think about you 24*7. Every waking moment of the day is spent thinking of you. Every second of my sleep is spent in dreaming about you. Do I deserve getting you back? Did I ever had you in my life? God I’m going senile. I feel so weak. I just want to shut out every thought I had of you from my mind but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.

It’s hilarious how you dragged me into writing. I was talking to you and told you that I’m trying to write some poetry which only I know was really crude and crappy. But your initial interest inspired and intrigued me. The simple words you uttered, “I’d be interested to look at what you’ve written but if I don’t like it, don’t try to force me into it.” And then you laughed. How I wished that the world could’ve stopped right then and there and I could froze that moment for me to relive it whenever I want to. I still hear that laughter ringing in my ears. Pure, innocent, uninhibited.

That did the trick for me. Before that it was nothing. Just a prisoner yearning to break free. But you actually broke those chains. You made me appreciate the meaning of freedom when I was a stranger to that feeling. You made me realize what a blessing it was. I got tense and scared of letting you down. Your encouragement was all that I needed to give it an earnest shot. You were my only audience. I don’t write much these days. Who should I be writing for now? Maybe myself. But I see that drive is missing. I am tying to reclaim it but it’s difficult.

I have still not reached that depth where after reaching; it’d all seem to be intuitive. It’d just flow out of my soul. Effortlessly. I’ll leave the figuring out part to others. The stage where I’ll decide the rules. The point where thinking will be easier and the connection will last longer and mind will stay in the zone for a longer span of time. I am still not there since I’ve never ever felt true love. I feel that something is missing.

How could you shut the door right into my face just like that one fine day? You say you’re not interested. You say you’re not in mood for this stuff right now. I used to write a song a day when I was writing for you. I never had time for correcting or editing those pieces since I was so busy writing that there was no time to do anything else. Now most of those writings are lying in some garbage heap rotting since they had no purpose to exist.

You weren’t really reading most of it but I was still writing for you. I wanted to impress you by showing it to you. Guess it was all in my head then. We were never officially together and we never officially broke up. It was all a silent false illusion I was living in. Pity that I still can’t get over it. Sometimes I want to become numb to all these feelings. Like a stone. Sometimes I feel addicted to this sweet poison.

I still feel loved by you. I still want to be loved by you. But I won’t be trying to manipulate you into wanting me. That’d be unfair to me and you. I want to get over you at the same time. I want to hear you laughing again. God wasn’t it the best thing that ever happened to me,

I don’t know if I’ll find true love again. But I need to keep searching for it though. But for that I need to be sure I won’t be getting any love from you. You’ll be a part of my soul though. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you. You shook my existence. You made me feel alive. I’m exploring life all because of you. You’ve been a blessing. Bittersweet. You’ve comforted me when times got rough. Consoled me when going got tough. You confuse me like no other mystery of life. I guess that’s what love is. Most Spellbinding mystery ever created by god. Greater than every science and stronger than every reason. The most compelling argument of god’s existence. I have found a reason to stay on living. Earlier it was love. Now its finding love. Hope I find love that lasts and love that reciprocates.

I know it’s selfish to expect it to reciprocate. I hope lessons of life that love teaches me help me evolve as a person. Maybe you’re just helping me transcend this pain to find myself; you do have to see your love get hurt sometimes to make your love grow. It’s hard to see him struggling but you’re assured that this is the best thing that could happen to the lover and hence find peace in this fact. That makes me want to wait. Is it a test? Why would you test me? Is it for my own good? That makes me stagnate. That makes me stay.

I’m finally over you. Did I ever love you? Or am I just romanticizing myself to believe that that I loved you. Or that I’m making futile attempts to convince that I’m over you? Was it infatuation? Was it true love which could never be mine since I let it remain undeclared? It was a lack of courage. It pains to come to terms with your limitations. It pains even more when you know you need to work towards getting better.

All I can say is that the whole experience was worth it. I went through a lot of different emotions which I couldn’t have if you weren’t there. That mix of different feelings was eclectic and crazy.

Hope the fog surrounding this mystery reveals itself someday because as of now I don’t find myself capable of seeing through it.

I honestly cannot muster enough courage to declare the whole truth. And I honestly cannot afford to be that dishonest to myself or to the world that I say that it was a fiction created by me. Neither can I say that it was inspired wholly by some of my friend. That would be untrue. I’d like you to carry the impression that I am making all this up to sound more interesting and mysterious. Hope you feel that way. Hope I get stronger. Hope I get courageous enough to be honest to be unashamed of my crimes and follies and admit my wrongs in front of the world. That is the only way to seek redemption.