A leaf out of the diary of a hopelessly romantic poet.

The breakup of the two who never were together.

We’ve drifted apart. Slowly but surely and there seems to be no turning back. Without saying it literally, you’ve made it quite obvious that we cannot be together. That both of us can no longer exist as us. We’ve accepted this silence as the end. Nobody’s making any effort to change it. Nobody’s shouting to start discussions. There cannot be any breakthroughs and we’ve made peace with this fact. Well, one of us seems to have and that’s definitely not me.

So it’s over now. I wonder if it ever existed in reality or was it just an illusion created by this foolish mind searching desperately for love. Am I being selfish? Maybe I am. But I’m also being true to myself.

I can’t really blame you for the condition I’m in. I mean you’re being true to yourself and that’s what you should do. But the condition I’m in is not bad. It’s pathetic but also laughable at the same time. It’s hilarious actually. I blame you for all my sorrows but I still don’t hate you. Weird. Yeah. Life’s been weird lately. How can I hand over the remote control of my life in someone else’s hand? Someone who I never TESTED. But I don’t know if lovers test the people they love. They just love.

It’s funny how I worshiped you. How I bared my soul in front of you. I told you things which I thought I shouldn’t have said. The things I didn’t think anyone else other than you and me knows (The sort of things people try to hide from their soul). The things that were obviously pretty embarrassing. But there were no inhibitions when I was with you. The things that lay bare my imperfections. Maybe you were looking for a perfect partner and I realized that. But I just couldn’t help being honest with you. Just couldn’t lie to you. Just couldn’t get myself to try to manipulate you as OTHERS do. Just didn’t follow the rules of the game. Ignored all the tricks and conventions of the trade. So I think I deserved that.

I used to think that you were different. That you’d understand. Maybe I was expecting a lot. Maybe I was not good enough. Maybe it was all an illusion. Maybe I was seeing things that weren’t really real.

God how I hate myself right now. Maybe a part of reason is guilt. I shouldn’t be expecting anything back if my love was true. But you’ve become an obsession. I think about you 24*7. Every waking moment of the day is spent thinking of you. Every second of my sleep is spent in dreaming about you. Do I deserve getting you back? Did I ever had you in my life? God I’m going senile. I feel so weak. I just want to shut out every thought I had of you from my mind but I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.

It’s hilarious how you dragged me into writing. I was talking to you and told you that I’m trying to write some poetry which only I know was really crude and crappy. But your initial interest inspired and intrigued me. The simple words you uttered, “I’d be interested to look at what you’ve written but if I don’t like it, don’t try to force me into it.” And then you laughed. How I wished that the world could’ve stopped right then and there and I could froze that moment for me to relive it whenever I want to. I still hear that laughter ringing in my ears. Pure, innocent, uninhibited.

That did the trick for me. Before that it was nothing. Just a prisoner yearning to break free. But you actually broke those chains. You made me appreciate the meaning of freedom when I was a stranger to that feeling. You made me realize what a blessing it was. I got tense and scared of letting you down. Your encouragement was all that I needed to give it an earnest shot. You were my only audience. I don’t write much these days. Who should I be writing for now? Maybe myself. But I see that drive is missing. I am tying to reclaim it but it’s difficult.

I have still not reached that depth where after reaching; it’d all seem to be intuitive. It’d just flow out of my soul. Effortlessly. I’ll leave the figuring out part to others. The stage where I’ll decide the rules. The point where thinking will be easier and the connection will last longer and mind will stay in the zone for a longer span of time. I am still not there since I’ve never ever felt true love. I feel that something is missing.

How could you shut the door right into my face just like that one fine day? You say you’re not interested. You say you’re not in mood for this stuff right now. I used to write a song a day when I was writing for you. I never had time for correcting or editing those pieces since I was so busy writing that there was no time to do anything else. Now most of those writings are lying in some garbage heap rotting since they had no purpose to exist.

You weren’t really reading most of it but I was still writing for you. I wanted to impress you by showing it to you. Guess it was all in my head then. We were never officially together and we never officially broke up. It was all a silent false illusion I was living in. Pity that I still can’t get over it. Sometimes I want to become numb to all these feelings. Like a stone. Sometimes I feel addicted to this sweet poison.

I still feel loved by you. I still want to be loved by you. But I won’t be trying to manipulate you into wanting me. That’d be unfair to me and you. I want to get over you at the same time. I want to hear you laughing again. God wasn’t it the best thing that ever happened to me,

I don’t know if I’ll find true love again. But I need to keep searching for it though. But for that I need to be sure I won’t be getting any love from you. You’ll be a part of my soul though. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you. You shook my existence. You made me feel alive. I’m exploring life all because of you. You’ve been a blessing. Bittersweet. You’ve comforted me when times got rough. Consoled me when going got tough. You confuse me like no other mystery of life. I guess that’s what love is. Most Spellbinding mystery ever created by god. Greater than every science and stronger than every reason. The most compelling argument of god’s existence. I have found a reason to stay on living. Earlier it was love. Now its finding love. Hope I find love that lasts and love that reciprocates.

I know it’s selfish to expect it to reciprocate. I hope lessons of life that love teaches me help me evolve as a person. Maybe you’re just helping me transcend this pain to find myself; you do have to see your love get hurt sometimes to make your love grow. It’s hard to see him struggling but you’re assured that this is the best thing that could happen to the lover and hence find peace in this fact. That makes me want to wait. Is it a test? Why would you test me? Is it for my own good? That makes me stagnate. That makes me stay.

I’m finally over you. Did I ever love you? Or am I just romanticizing myself to believe that that I loved you. Or that I’m making futile attempts to convince that I’m over you? Was it infatuation? Was it true love which could never be mine since I let it remain undeclared? It was a lack of courage. It pains to come to terms with your limitations. It pains even more when you know you need to work towards getting better.

All I can say is that the whole experience was worth it. I went through a lot of different emotions which I couldn’t have if you weren’t there. That mix of different feelings was eclectic and crazy.

Hope the fog surrounding this mystery reveals itself someday because as of now I don’t find myself capable of seeing through it.

I honestly cannot muster enough courage to declare the whole truth. And I honestly cannot afford to be that dishonest to myself or to the world that I say that it was a fiction created by me. Neither can I say that it was inspired wholly by some of my friend. That would be untrue. I’d like you to carry the impression that I am making all this up to sound more interesting and mysterious. Hope you feel that way. Hope I get stronger. Hope I get courageous enough to be honest to be unashamed of my crimes and follies and admit my wrongs in front of the world. That is the only way to seek redemption.

The Inspiration.

On the power of love to influence change for better and the realization of strength to implement that change.

Every time I see someone successful and genuinely happy, I get emotional. I think about how blessed and lucky they are. I don’t really feel this feeling when I see anyone and everyone. But some people, and they might be strangers, long lost friends, best friends, they might be anyone, make me feel that way. I feel an intense feeling of peace, love and emptiness at the same time. It something that reflects in their faces. The mixture of innocence and happiness and total absence of treachery and negativity or ego.

I hear this all the time about how happy homes breed achievers. And I really miss not being one of them. Neither am I an achiever nor a happy person. My self perception might be inaccurate since I have gained a lot of gifts. But it has only increased the anxiety and uneasiness. Maybe this is the battle I need to win which will make me eligible to the reward of true peace. In that case I should be grateful for the situation I’m in and should be happy that I’ve been given a chance.

Well back to those select few people who make me feel poor and fill me with greed. Its not only a negative feeling. I’m also inspired to change. To break the monotony and work towards becoming better.

The people I’m talking about are not those with perfect homes and unblemished skin, good academics, successful careers and perfect families. I don’t really bleed to be like the ones who seem to be perfect.

The people I’m talking about are people like us. Who live in simple homes and whose wants are few. Who care for each other. Where love is the solution all the needs. Where people think that happiness stems from something much more deeper than material pleasure. Who don’t feel amused when they see people doing wrong things. Who don’t curse. Who are unassuming and don’t brag about their achievements. Who don’t claim to be special or something out of this world. Who are not so pompous about their success.

Where everyone is treated with dignity. Where there is no abuse. Respect for elders and love for younger ones. Who make it big with the resources they have rather than cribbing about what they don’t have. Who remain humane and humble throughout their lives and try to live simple but uncommon lives. To smile the way they are smiling is something worth dying for. But dying won’t solve a thing. Working towards getting that state of mind and making sure that you don’t start living in a mirage is something that’ll make it a reality.

This emptiness, this hollowness I feel whenever I see them is overwhelming. I feel like crying. I am not really jealous of them or envy them in any way. It was all a game of fate. I had to go through the emotions and situations I’m going through. I needed to feel what its like to be poor. I needed to see how happiness has nothing to do with money and everything to do with love.

Pure Selfless Love. The one for which we’d sacrifice ourselves without thinking twice. That sacrifice won’t seem to be sacrifice but a natural thing to do. We won’t feel like martyrs doing it. It’d be another expression of our selfless love which will seem common to us but special to everyone else. Maybe common is a very poor word to describe it. Yeah, obvious seems to be the right word. It’d seem to be an intuitive action. Something that won’t seem to OURSELVES as a special act of courage. A decision which we’ll arrive upon without blinking the eye.

The sacrifice wouldn’t harm anything innocent. It’d in no way tarnish the beauty of the soul of the man. It’d not set a bad example for anyone. It’ll in no way belittle the glory of true love.

A realization is dawning on me. It doesn’t take wisdom alone to change. It takes conviction and courage to change. You need to have strength to work your plan. You need to have conviction to carry it through to a logical conclusion.

Keep dreaming what seems unreal but what you know would feel really good and right and keep working towards achieving it.

Am I right or am I just a loser, jealous of achievers. Let me know.