Reflections on aspirations and challenges.
It’s been a long time since I wrote anything. I dunno if I’m still capable of translating my feelings into words since I don’t think I have any other medium to express myself which is as efficient as this. I’m not sure why I stopped writing. Maybe I was too comfortable to lose myself in the din around me. Maybe I didn’t really want to face this solitude and ask myself many important and unsettling questions which have come to my mind.
I had convinced myself that this is the way to go. That the real, more relevant wisdom is to be found outside and there is no need to look within. Introspection is something one can indulge in at a later point of time – this is more important. But this self pondering which some consider a leisure activity (and I agree that it needs an unpretentious mind not caught in a rat race) is necessary in the rough rumble of what they call the real world.
But I am still inclined to maintain that introspection, the art of getting out of the constraints of space-time allows us breathing space and keeps us in equilibrium and creative. It is important to not go overboard and stay in touch with the agape. What we generally call introspection, (and it is something respected by masses in general) can be a garb for thought patterns which might lead us to disconnections from “reality” and at worse, schizophrenia.
I think the primary need for reflection might be similar for everyone. It might be the need to make a better sense of the world, the urge to transcend ignorance and realize reality. Reality, I think, at least as of now, is something more than physical. When I think that, I mean that I desire a reality which is more than something which is physical – if it’s found to be untrue, I’d have to discard my cherished notion of reality and would try to find poetry in what is concerned true. I dunno if I really want to know what it’s all about coz that would mean that there’s nothing left to know and there is a certain amount of sadness linked to it. Funny how we think we feel reality (or atleast a part of it) and yet are clueless when it comes to defining it.
This attitude, in itself, might be considered flexible but I think its some sort of reluctance to seek the real originary source for poetry. It exudes a certain element of helplessness too, a certain amount of wariness and threat that what we cherish might be desecrated by others.
I think I have strayed away quite a bit from what I intended to write. I will try to get back at it.
I don’t know the reason why I felt this need to reflect. One of the reasons could be that my exams are closer and that generally makes one more reflective. As amusing as it is, I think the reason for it could be that we feel the need to wish the pressing work away and, let’s face it, this is the best time to procrastinate.
The sense of urgency tries to stray you away, sometimes towards things that matter. It has potential to make you invent tasks when you should rather be studying but it sometimes scrapes off the grime and brings to fore some difficult questions which, though are relevant and urgent in a certain sense, are ignored by us since we wish not to answer them.
We wish that they answer themselves on their own and our constant effort to ignore them relegates them to background. It does have a subconscious effect on you though. One simply cannot escape scott-free the outcomes of any of one’s actions. I think that the basest, the deepest question which all of us have suppressed is the same. Although I don’t know quite what it is and why we’ve did that and I’m unable to identify it as of now.
I think I need to come back from my meanderings again. My ADHD has a tendency to make me do that quite often. One of the most pressing aspirations has been to prove my intellectual might to myself. I think intellectual might will translate itself into physical and emotional might.
I think people try to impress others just to impress upon themselves the fact that they are in fact good and worthy.
It might be an insecurity but it might also be an act of a pragmatic measurements with (notice I didn’t use against) others. I’m quite aware of the fact that everyone is unique but we should not use this as an excuse not to push ourselves. One can be at peace with oneself, with no expectations from the outcome, and still aim for a lofty goal. The attainment isn’t as important as an honest pursuit.
I don’t want to be stuck with goals which are unworthy of me or too easy. For that, I think one should be aware of the going-ons in the real world – this is important for transcendence. At the same time, my goals should really be mine. They shouldn’t be pursued just because others deem them worthy.
One of my relatively short term goals is to clear GATE and get into a postgraduate course in IITs. As a kid, I used to dream about being a scientist. I used to see my shadows in the tube light and wonder why the shadow wasn’t perfect as is the case with light from the bulb. And I used to send poems as they were written to local newspapers and even succeeded to get few of them published. Later, I realized that I cannot write poetry – I wasn’t encouraged enough.
My principal, I remember, didn’t approve of the effort I put into writing a poem which was inspired (and for the first time, it was inspired and not plagiarized) by a verse from ancient mariner – water, water everywhere not a drop to drink. I don’t have that poem but I had modified them to write something to the effect of “Blood was here. Blood was here. Blood was all around”. It might be childish but I was a child and that’s how kids learn. He was a nice guy though and I'm sure he didn't mean to discourage me.
Anyways, moving on, I think I was pretty decent in sciences but really bad at mathematics. By the end of tenth grade, I was good at both and dreamt of getting into IITs for doing engineering in graduation. Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to coz of a host of reasons which are another story altogether.
I have discovered recently that I can infact write poetry although I haven’t written any for about a year now. I lost a chance at IITs which meant a certain degree of excellence in sciences. I think I have another shot at that right now and the goal is well within my reach. Only thing keeping me from realizing it is me. I just hope I don’t slack this time.
Fuck that was intensely emo and intense but true nevertheless. I wish I was a bit lighter. And I’m quite amused at how can I write so much with so less content. But I’m gonna put it on my blog nevertheless. This might even reek of wannabe-ness. If it does, let me know.
I had convinced myself that this is the way to go. That the real, more relevant wisdom is to be found outside and there is no need to look within. Introspection is something one can indulge in at a later point of time – this is more important. But this self pondering which some consider a leisure activity (and I agree that it needs an unpretentious mind not caught in a rat race) is necessary in the rough rumble of what they call the real world.
But I am still inclined to maintain that introspection, the art of getting out of the constraints of space-time allows us breathing space and keeps us in equilibrium and creative. It is important to not go overboard and stay in touch with the agape. What we generally call introspection, (and it is something respected by masses in general) can be a garb for thought patterns which might lead us to disconnections from “reality” and at worse, schizophrenia.
I think the primary need for reflection might be similar for everyone. It might be the need to make a better sense of the world, the urge to transcend ignorance and realize reality. Reality, I think, at least as of now, is something more than physical. When I think that, I mean that I desire a reality which is more than something which is physical – if it’s found to be untrue, I’d have to discard my cherished notion of reality and would try to find poetry in what is concerned true. I dunno if I really want to know what it’s all about coz that would mean that there’s nothing left to know and there is a certain amount of sadness linked to it. Funny how we think we feel reality (or atleast a part of it) and yet are clueless when it comes to defining it.
This attitude, in itself, might be considered flexible but I think its some sort of reluctance to seek the real originary source for poetry. It exudes a certain element of helplessness too, a certain amount of wariness and threat that what we cherish might be desecrated by others.
I think I have strayed away quite a bit from what I intended to write. I will try to get back at it.
I don’t know the reason why I felt this need to reflect. One of the reasons could be that my exams are closer and that generally makes one more reflective. As amusing as it is, I think the reason for it could be that we feel the need to wish the pressing work away and, let’s face it, this is the best time to procrastinate.
The sense of urgency tries to stray you away, sometimes towards things that matter. It has potential to make you invent tasks when you should rather be studying but it sometimes scrapes off the grime and brings to fore some difficult questions which, though are relevant and urgent in a certain sense, are ignored by us since we wish not to answer them.
We wish that they answer themselves on their own and our constant effort to ignore them relegates them to background. It does have a subconscious effect on you though. One simply cannot escape scott-free the outcomes of any of one’s actions. I think that the basest, the deepest question which all of us have suppressed is the same. Although I don’t know quite what it is and why we’ve did that and I’m unable to identify it as of now.
I think I need to come back from my meanderings again. My ADHD has a tendency to make me do that quite often. One of the most pressing aspirations has been to prove my intellectual might to myself. I think intellectual might will translate itself into physical and emotional might.
I think people try to impress others just to impress upon themselves the fact that they are in fact good and worthy.
It might be an insecurity but it might also be an act of a pragmatic measurements with (notice I didn’t use against) others. I’m quite aware of the fact that everyone is unique but we should not use this as an excuse not to push ourselves. One can be at peace with oneself, with no expectations from the outcome, and still aim for a lofty goal. The attainment isn’t as important as an honest pursuit.
I don’t want to be stuck with goals which are unworthy of me or too easy. For that, I think one should be aware of the going-ons in the real world – this is important for transcendence. At the same time, my goals should really be mine. They shouldn’t be pursued just because others deem them worthy.
One of my relatively short term goals is to clear GATE and get into a postgraduate course in IITs. As a kid, I used to dream about being a scientist. I used to see my shadows in the tube light and wonder why the shadow wasn’t perfect as is the case with light from the bulb. And I used to send poems as they were written to local newspapers and even succeeded to get few of them published. Later, I realized that I cannot write poetry – I wasn’t encouraged enough.
My principal, I remember, didn’t approve of the effort I put into writing a poem which was inspired (and for the first time, it was inspired and not plagiarized) by a verse from ancient mariner – water, water everywhere not a drop to drink. I don’t have that poem but I had modified them to write something to the effect of “Blood was here. Blood was here. Blood was all around”. It might be childish but I was a child and that’s how kids learn. He was a nice guy though and I'm sure he didn't mean to discourage me.
Anyways, moving on, I think I was pretty decent in sciences but really bad at mathematics. By the end of tenth grade, I was good at both and dreamt of getting into IITs for doing engineering in graduation. Things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to coz of a host of reasons which are another story altogether.
I have discovered recently that I can infact write poetry although I haven’t written any for about a year now. I lost a chance at IITs which meant a certain degree of excellence in sciences. I think I have another shot at that right now and the goal is well within my reach. Only thing keeping me from realizing it is me. I just hope I don’t slack this time.
Fuck that was intensely emo and intense but true nevertheless. I wish I was a bit lighter. And I’m quite amused at how can I write so much with so less content. But I’m gonna put it on my blog nevertheless. This might even reek of wannabe-ness. If it does, let me know.
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